Wanderlust: a deep desire to travel, and find the very meaning of one's existence.

I have always wanted to run away.
It used to be because I always sought freedom, but now its a mixture of that, and the fact that I feel like I'm suffocating here. If I dont leave, I'll be dead by the end of the year.
I need this.
I need to escape; from everything. It's all to much.
I need to chill. Sleep all day and spend the nights under the stars, getting high when I want to and getting drunk when I want to.
The way I see it, everybody should just do whatever the fuck they want to do in life. If you want to study your ass off and get into a fancy UNI, fine. If you want to bludge everything and spend your life doing whatever the hell you want to do, fine. Because you all get the same ending; you die.

It Never Ends

I used to think I was getting better. Things were looking up, and sure, for a period of time, I think I was getting better. I dont have the time anymore; I dont have the time to help myself. So I sit and decay.
Im so fucking worried. About you, about life, about all my mistakes that are coming back to me now.
And I feel so bad. Guilt eats me up and anxiety makes it worse; its chaos everywhere I look. The hallucinations are getting worse, I cant tell the difference between them and reality anymore; I feel so dead, so numb. I feel so worthless, like nothing I do will ever matter; like nothing I can do now is ever right - every effort I put in is pointless.
Im not getting better. Im sick.
And I cant tell you.
Im worried about you, so much, and I cant add anything to your problems; it will just make things worse.
Im trapped.
I dont know how to let it out, I dont even know how to feel anymore. So I fix myself with the blades; it's a continuous circle.
And Im scared.
Its stupid. I'm stupid. So goddamn stupid.

I have a terrible secret.

Anonymous asked: i want to start cutting. any tips how to?

Tips? Okay, in a moment. First let me tell you a little about this.
The first time you cut? It won’t be that deep. But it will get worse.
You’ll find yourself panicking as someone points out the cuts that you forgot to hide for the first time, and fumble around in your mind trying to come up with a believable excuse.It’ll gradually get deeper. The scratches turn into huge gashes that take weeks at a time to heal. The kind that leave huge thick white scars that never quite fade.
The depression you’re feeling will slowly get worse and worse as you begin to hate yourself for the pain you’re inflicting on yourself. And the more you hate yourself, the more you cut, which makes you hate yourself more. And soon you’re spiraling down deeper and deeper.
Do you like wearing vest tops and shorts? Well forget that, because you’re going to have to hide behind jumpers and jeans in the summer desperately trying to hide your cuts and scars.
Do you like swimming? Because you wont be able to any more because you wont be able to hide your scars when wearing a swimsuit.
Ever had heat stroke? Well be prepared, because wearing long sleeves and jeans in 40c weather will come back to bite you.
Do you like having money to spend on nice things? Well you won’t be able to. Say hello to spending all of your money on band aids, anti-septic wipes, bio oil and razor blades.
Do you like being open to people? Because you won’t be able to. This disease will close you up and make you hide behind a fake smile and pull down your sleeves over the cuts on your arms. You won’t be able to express your emotions. Or let people know how you feel. You’ll keep everything you feel a secret out of fear that you’ll accidentally mention cutting and hell will break loose.
Do you like hugging your friends? Because that will change. Hugging hurts too much because of the cuts littering your body. And you’ll be scared to let anyone hug you in case they feel the bandages, scars and cuts through the fabric of your clothes
And then there’s the first time you cut too deep. When you sit on your bedroom floor with a pile of tissues almost having a panic attack as you desperately try to stop the heavy bleeding. You know you need to get it checked out - but no one knows and so you just sit there and pray to God that you’ll get through it.
say goodbye to ever looking at a razor differently. urges will never stop, just subside. it’s a illness that infestsyour brain and it will never go away, even if you do eventually manage to stop.
still want to cut? well here’s some ‘tips’
Okay here we go:

1. grab the scissors, pins, razor blades etc
2. throw them in the nearest bin
3. phone up someone you trust
4. tell them how you’re feeling and what’s bothering you.

because once you go down that path, it’s going to be ridiculously difficult to leave it. And it’s not worth it.
it will never be worth it.

tuvtuvtuvtuv fuck yersh dandinf like a fuckinf PR%O uou DOWN
CANT BELIEVE IS

sometimes people squa to me the ssay Y U SO CRUNKKKK i say m no no no nooooooooooooo NEEVR GONNA LET YOU doooooooownn
its freT because lifes goos, which good, and thiw makes me happy
goopd think im aucto-logged in on my lapotp o3r id nevevevr be able to sign in at times like thses hahahahahahgda

The Circle Goes On and On...

It hurts. It hurts so much knowing that I killed someone, someone who was a part of me; and even though, at the time, I thought everything would pass by, that life would go on just how it was before, that it would happen once and then never be remembered again, but its not like that.
Things changed, some things were better and some were worse, but it eats me up inside, every single day.
And even though I know that it was the best thing to do, and that there really was no other sensible option, it hurts.
I just need to talk about it, but of course its the only thing I cant talk about; the things that conversations sweep around, occasionally hitting; and I always look at you, trying to read you, trying to figure out if it still hurts you, too. I dont want it to.