Oh shutup. You do not know what you are geting into. You are so... so fucking NAIVE.
It is not glamorous. It is not cool. It is not pretty. It is not 'grown-up'.
It is a filthy, disgusting addiction that takes over your entire life.

 I want to be in a van with a hammock in the back and dream catcher hanging from the rear-view mirror. I want to watch the sun rise, wear colourful pants and band t-shirts. I want to smoke as I watch the sun set. I want to hotbox the van with friends and draw all over the inside. I want happiness. I want freedom.

I'm really... lifeless. I feel empty, and angry, and upset. I feel like crying all the time but I physically can't. I break down a lot too, tearing at myself but I can't cry. I miss all of the people that have come into my life and left it too soon. I keep re-thinking all of the things I never got to say.
I'm scared of losing all the amazing people that are in my life now. I don't think that life would be worth living without them. I just want to be held.
I'm really sick of feeling so alone.
I miss the last few days.

i fly
over the needles and over the blades
i pull my skin tight
i stretch my skin across my bones,
a canvas.
and i paint it.
and i
just want
to
be
happy.

I'm trying, you know. I'm trying to pull myself together, to remember to eat, to remember not to eat too much, trying to figure out a job and centrelink payments, trying to negotiate a bank card, trying to figure out how I can pay for my next pack of cigarettes, trying to pay for everything from hair dye to toothpaste and socks, trying to figure out who's house I can sleep at tonight, and trying to stop hurting myself. I am trying to remember to go to therapy, I am trying to complete the activities that are assigned to me during therapy, I am trying to get around without a car and very little money on my bus card. I am trying to get everywhere on time. I am trying to make sure I still look nice, I am trying to take care of my piercings, I am trying to keep my weight going down without getting sick, I am trying to do my schoolwork and my homework, I am trying to pay attention, I am trying to stay awake in school, and I am trying to get more than 3 hours of sleep each night.
So when you say that I'm "not trying", or "you doubt I could be on time", it fucking hurts. It's like I'm making all of this effort for nothing.

Everyone says they are so shocked when they talk about my weight. Thay all say I am so thin. And on a few occasions I have had people say I have the 'perfect body'. But the numbers go down and I keep looking in the mirror... and I just see myself getting fatter and fatter, everyday.

Hey everyone,
I've had to change my URL because somehow my parents have been reading my blog for a few days.
I was previously trippy-overdose.blogspot.com (now deleted)

I feel thin.
I had a great weekend.
Now I am feeling bad. I don't know what to do. I dont feel anything; not numb, just nothing. Angry, I guess. Lonely.
I saw in my tea leaves that she was going to die. I'm still not sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing.

You are SO unoriginal. You think you fool us? You don't fool anyone!! You're a lying, attention-seeking/craving bitch who steals everyone elses problems for justification of your own.

My legs hurt. 
My legs ache. so fucking much.
WHYYY

Forget Yourself, Erase Yourself.

It is no longer a concious effort. I simply forget about eating now. I realised about 10 minutes ago that I felt hungry, then remembered I haven't eaten since ...when... I think I had a salad sunday night. (Its tuesday night/ wednesday morning now).
This isn't bulimia. This isn't anorexia. Trust me, food is always on your mind. You do not hate food, you love it. But you cannot eat it. So you think about it, you smell it, you look at it, but you do not eat.
This is.... nothing. I am simply forgetting to live.
I don't know what's going on in my head. I am not starving myself, I don't think, consciously, at least, because even when I do think of food, I feel like all my tastebuds are cardboard.
I like orange juice watered down. Less calories.
There. When I do eat, I count calories, every fucking one of them. I try to stay below 500 per day. It's been going well, and I've stopped purging (easier than I thought it would be). (Still very hard.)
But mostly, I don't think of food.
I don't think of anything.
I worry about you.

Im alone.

I don't really know what in doing with my life; this is all I've got. Please stop taking it from me.

What goes around does not come around. You can do all the fucking caring in the world, but in the end that does not mean that anyone will give a shit about you.
You will feel worthless, like you did something wrong.
You will feel lonely.
And nobody really cares unless you're pretty or dying.

I am










Empty.

Nothing

I pull my skin stretched over my bones
And that's the way I want it to stay
And I am terrified
That when I am finally thin
That it still will not be
Enough

This at seem like no big deal at all but I fucking want to destroy myself because I am not worth anything. All because of a piercing. Fuck everything. My septum is really crooked and pierced too low, the swellings gone down and now I cam see the placement is really bad. It's fine for everyday and will be fine or a while, but in about a year or so I am going to have to let it grow over and have it redone. Arghhhhhhhh it's so fucking annoying, I'm so disappointed. It looks great for now and I love it, but it won't last, with the placement there's a huge chance it will reject and also in a while it will be really noticeable. Fuckthis. I'm so angry gahhh

Just updated Short Stories, link is on the top right (:

I've started writing again.

You ruin every fucking day for me. Anything someone says reminds me of you, of what you did. You're filth. I hope you fucking die. I will fucking kill you and spit on your shallow grave in the middle of nowhere. Nobody will wonder what happened to you because everyone will hate you. They will all know what you did to me, to that other girl, and who knows what you have done to others.
I can't quite get the feeling of you out of my skin, the taste of you from my mouth. Every fucking day I hope you choke, and I hope one day you feel like you made me feel. I am disgusted in myself because of what you did to me, and it's like you stole something I can never replace. I am missing a part of myself that you've destroyed.

I think I know what I am searching for; a purpose. I need to do something with my life.
Even though this is practically close to nothing on the scale of things that people realise, this is a huge accomplishment for me. So, plan A is to think of plan B.
I feel accomplished, and I will spend a while finding out what my purpose is. Or what anything is.
I think I need solitude; resoluteness, and simplicity.

I have no idea what I'm doing.
I want to help. I want to fix you. That sounds not the way I wanted it to. I care, alot. I really do. Please don't hurt yourself, I want to take away the pain. It's pointless hurting myself trying to stop you from hurting, but it's the only thing I know how to do. I want to make everything okay. I want you to be happy.I want you to know that you're wanted. I want you to know that you're needed.
Please don't hurt yourself tonight.

Today was hard. I was manic then depressive. My arm is a fucking mangled mess, and I don't web remember anything cause I was disassociating. I am physically and emotionally drained and exhausted. I am an honest mess. I passed out in art today an when I woke up, noone even noticed. Nobody cared.
I should be used to it by now.

Wishbones and collarbones, dreaming and dying. Dreaming of dying. I'm back down again and it's horrible to hide. No blades. No escape. Someone save me. All I am is confused. I'm scared. Help me. Nobody notices, nobody cares, i need help and somebody to say, "are you okay?" and actually mean it, and actually want the answer. I wouldn't know what to say anyway, "I'm fine" has gotten to be such an automatic response; I don't even know what's wrong anymore. I think I want to die again. I don't know. I think I feel happy. I know I feel sad. What the hell is going on in my head???!!