I cant even believe it.
I promised myself that I could give it up. I guess thats what i told myself everyday, the 'I can stop whenever I want' speech.
It scares me that I couldn't.
Its stupid, so stupid, that even though I try so hard to be the sort of person that is strong enough to get over things, to fix things, that I cant even hold off the urge to drink.
The last person I wanted to let see me so helpless was, of course, the person who ended up looking after me. I never wanted anyone to see me so weak.
I was on the verge of passing out on a fucking porch. And I don't even remember it. I'll stay sober from now on; but then again, isn't that what I tell myself every time?

Im so fucking scared. I want to cry and I beat myself up about it; I want everything to be okay. I got everything I wanted, but in the worst possible way. And oh my god, all of this is my fault.
Why can I never fix it? I can never fix things, why cant I FUCKING FIX THINGS?! I can never even fis them, never fix myself, am i even really broken? i gotta get off these pills... i gotta get off these pills... i cant live when im not alive, of course im alive, why cant i feel my feet?

All That Is Living Has A Home, Though Mine Is With The Dead.

I remember the days when I believed in nothing. I'm not talking about a higher or lower power; not an existance of 'god'. I didn't believe in anything. No actions, consequences, or people mattered because I was afraid to find out everyone was just a figment of my imagination. It's stupid, but I still fight not to think that now. Do I exist? Do these words exist; do they mean anything? I begin to think that maybe it doesnt even matter to write this, because it's all in my mind; I think that I'm living in a parrallel world in my mind, completely oblivious to everything that happens in the 'real world'. I'm probably tapping on a bunch of rocks or something, not typing. Maybe by writing this down, someone can wake me up.
What the fuck.

I scream at myself, at everything that's my fault, and everyone that I pushed away. I want so much to fix everything for everyone else, I can't stand seeing everything fall apart and watching people failing to catch it. I blame myself for everything that goes wrong, my fault or not.
I dont know what I'm doing. I just dont know.

You're never alone. You're never alone. You're never alone.

To be honest, I literally ache inside. I feel like running away and never coming back. I have never felt so temporary before. I never thought I would end up so ruined. Inherite my shoes, they were too hard to fill anyway. I tear myself to shreds to prove that I'm still in one piece... god, I never thought I'd miss you this much. I hate myself for it, and I try to find the exact point where you still reside, but there's nothing and you're still everywhere... and I want to cut out every part of myself that reminds me of you.
Fuck it. When it comes to the end does it really matter? Forget it and move on. One line a story to crush your bones. Art becomes the imitated, murder becomes the intimate.

Ruination

I ruin myself and I ruin my family and I ruin everyone around me, and I ruin every thought that has ever entered my head. I spin it around, inject it with hate, and I ruin this lie of a life that I live.