I moved out of home two days ago. I have all my stuff with me.
I don't know, it's exhilarating but I feel bad leaving. I know my family is hurt by this but I need to move on with my life.
I have a lot of things to do. Centrelink, jobs, bank account. Finish applying at college. I have no money.
Well I did but I spent it on weed. haha yay

Fucking yay. Don't you love it when you can't feel your hand because you've cut too deep? Yeah me too, its great. Fucking great. I actually didn't mean to - or maybe I did. Either way, I regret it now but that's just the way it is. I guess this could be used as a giant analogy of my life: I do things that I'm not really sure that I want to do or why I want to do them, and in the end they don't benefit me at all, or anyone.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Stop it. Fucking stop it. You know exactly what you are doing. You are not innocent. You are a liar and a cheat. You are a fucking disgusting horrible human being. Fuck you. Just stop tearing me down.
Stop trying to be me, you stupid fuck. I can see right through you, you fucking horrible worthless waste of space.
I fucking hate you; and you will get what is coming to you. Be fucking afraid.

So I Tear Myself To Shreds To Pull Out All The Pieces That Never Really Were A Piece Of Me.

I haven't eaten since friday. I don't know when I will eat. Probably not soon. I'm not hungry, I don't even feel anything.
I cry alot.
That's about it.

I've been thinking. I am really really sorry, from the bottom of my heart, for all the things I've ever said or done that have hurt you. I love you, and I mean it.
But I'm sick. I'm really not in a good place at the moment, I don't think it will ever get better; and I think you deserve better than to keep getting dragged down by me.
Im sorry.

I don't want to do this - but I have to. I'm losing my mind. I really am. I can't control myself. I'm not a good person in any sense of the word.
This hurts.
I don't really know what I'm doing anymore.
But I know that I'm getting worse.
And I found out I have a glitch the other day. Basically, every day I lose minutes of my life (ie- I'll have no idea what I just said or where I just came from). The psychiatrist said that I will lose around 30% (if not more) of my life.
I am a fucking mess.

It's been too long. I've forgotten what to say.
You always used to say things when I couldnt.

I don't know what to say.
I am a fucking mess inside.

I just want to cry and cry and cry.

I don't want to talk to anyone ever. But I dont want to be alone.
Help me.

I have ruined everything in my life that I possibly can; family, friends, love, education, job/career, everything. Absolutely fucking everything.

I managed to hold myself together all day but now that I'm alone I'm hurting so much. What am I doing with my life??!!! This is irreversible. I feel that the only way out would be to kill myself. I am a disaster. And the feeling that this is how I will feel for the rest of my life is killing me. Im sorry, really, more than everything. I'm sorry I am not good enough. Im sorry I lie. Im sorry.
Im crying my fucking eyes out. The type of crying that you choke up and can't breathe and hiccup and it's not very pretty. I am so lost.
Help me. Please.
Just leave me alone.
I dont know what I want.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OR SAY I JUST WANT TO DIE
TO PUT IT BLUNTLY
I AM FUCKING LOST
I AM FUCKING DEAD INSIDE

I AM NO LONGER TRYING TO IMPRESS ANYONE
I COULDNT GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK OF ME
MAYBE IF YOU STOPPED CARING ABOUT ME, THEN YOU WOULDNT GET HURT

What the fuck have I just done. Everything, gone. Fucking gone. This is what I do - I ruin everything. All the time. Im sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. But it's better off this way.

You'll be fine. You've got people that love you, that need you, that care about you, that accept you. You've got talents, and you've got knowledge.
I don't have any of that. Hey, I don't blame anyone except myself: I wouldn't be friends with me in another life, it's completely my fault that I'm not good at anything, and it's my fault that I never paid any attention in school and don't know shit.
I am going nowhere with my life and I'm trying to save you before I drag you down with me. It's for the best, it hurts but it's better. I think. Why the fuck is this all my problem. I'm not ready for this.
My breath is catching in my throat and I can't really see through the tears in my eyes. There's blood everywhere, fucking everywhere. I was doing so well. So fucking well, and this is what it came down to? I was trying to eat, mostly I was keeping it down too, what a fucking waste. I'll just be fat. Who am I doing this for? I don't know anymore.
I'm angry. I'm upset. I'm lonely. I'm sick. 

I am a thousand different emotions.
I am none.
I am full, brimming, bursting with energy, hate, sadness, fear, happiness, mania.
I am empty.
I am ecstatic, happy, wild, excited, free, joyfull and accomplished.
I am suicidal, angry, lost, hopeless, sad, terrified, cold.
I am complex.
I am nothing.
I am 50%.
I am 50%.
And I will never truly win this war.

I can't do it anymore. Two fucking months, for who? For me? It was never about me - it was always about you. What will everyone think??? Better make sure your daughter doesnt put shame to your name. Play the blame game. Lie. Cheat. Fake it.
I've been faking it because the urge is here as strong as ever. You know I can't be everyone's rock. I want to be, I need to be  - but I can't be. Which makes me feel useless and like I have let everyone down; in the end, I guess, thats what I fear the most. Letting people down. Not being good enough.
Ah well, might as well prove it. Fuck em.
Fuck yeah we're gonna party tonight.

Everyone Wants To Change Their Life, But Nobody Wants To Start Today

Im creating an inventory, a store-room filled with memories and perceptions and different people, places, and things. Ultimate rebirth comes from loss of material possessions and thus the dependance on thoughts. The higher being. The meaning of existance.

I delude myself. I begin to think that I am wise.

Dreams

Im not quite sure of what to say anymore. Here, alone, with people... anywhere. I am always afraid its not the right thing to say. I used to build a sanctuary out of words, a safety net; somewhere I felt totally in control - and I fear thats what I yearn for in all things; control and perfection.
I am running out of words. I can no longer narrate my own life - I am trying to live a book, I need to realise that I need to live - and THEN the book.
I am thinking of finalising this blog. Of wrapping up all the words and long hours wretched on the floor, my frustrations taken out on myself and then documented - however cryptically, here, and I am thinking of publishing it. I would call it something short, personal, and simple. The line under the title would say ....something. I would write under a different name, no link would ever be made to me.
But everyone knows all stories must have an end. And so I must find my end, and thus finalise what I have done with my life.

I cant do it anymore. Talk to me. Dont talk to me. Come closer. Fuck off forever. Come back. Fucking hell, all my emotions are conflicting at once and I'm so sick of this. It's so fucking hard. I dont think I can ever make anyone understand that - how motherfucking hard it is to hold myself together. I need it now. I want to bleed, I want to tear at my skin untill theres nothing left, I want to bleed out all of the blood in me. You have 6 litres of blood. Blood weighs approximately 1kg per litre. The stomach holds 4 Litres. If I throw up everything then bleed myself out I will weigh 10 kilograms less. I will be at my goal. I will have perfection. I will have 45kg, if it kills me.
I want to slice lines into my skin. I want to carve through the fat tissue down to the muscle so that I can see it move through transparent layers of fat. I want to destroy myself. I need the release. Why do I do anything anymore? I dont know. I just do. Day after day, cutting away.

I will never be thin enough. I will never be funny enough. I will never be nice enough. I will never be caring enough. I will never be pretty enough. I will never be enough.

Oh no not again please
fuck
i had such a nice day
and yesterday too
for this to happen
fucking hell dont make me this way, i just want to be better
i fucking want to be better
i cant do it
im so hopeless
im in tears oh my god i need you so much right now
wait, im too busy looking after you for you to remember to ask if im okay
im not okay
not now
not ever
help me
i feel so bad tonight
i feel so bad.

New York I Love You, But You're Dragging Me Down

I had one of the bast days I've had in a long time, today.
But I feel bad. About myself. I want to be good enough. I dont always want to fuck things up. Im sick and I'm sorry.