So, I didnt die.
I threw up all the pills (sadly) and walked around in a haze for the next two days. I had no energy, no reasons for anything; the only reason I didnt try to kill myself again was because I literally did not have the energy.
I was shaking and having a total breakdown all day though, and I was terrified to be left alone because I knew I would hang myself.
Then, the other night, I tried LSD for the first time. This was the most mind-opening experience of my entire life (including shrooms) and I literally was filled with this amazing joy and energy, my mind was bubbling over with colour and great ideas. Everything held such potential.

Of course, everything went back to normal.
I still feel cold.

I am serious, Im going to do it. Oh god, I'm going to kill myself. I can't help anyone anymore I don't ever feel happy, I don't matter and I'm so empty. Im shaking, I haven't eaten in days and whatever I do eat I throw up. I'm dying. I'm dying Im dying I'm dying.
I have to stop burdening other people with my problems.
Oh my god I am going to do it. I am going to take all of these pills at once.
I am never going to wake up.
The world is a cold, wretched place.
Live beautiful lives.
I am going to die.

I feel empty that's what I feel. Goddamn empty.

“Are you having suicidal thoughts?”
Yes. I want to kill myself every second of the day. Everything I see becomes something I can kill myself with. I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate who I’ve become. Help me, please. I can’t do this much longer.

“No.”

Wanderlust: a deep desire to travel, and find the very meaning of one's existence.

I have always wanted to run away.
It used to be because I always sought freedom, but now its a mixture of that, and the fact that I feel like I'm suffocating here. If I dont leave, I'll be dead by the end of the year.
I need this.
I need to escape; from everything. It's all to much.
I need to chill. Sleep all day and spend the nights under the stars, getting high when I want to and getting drunk when I want to.
The way I see it, everybody should just do whatever the fuck they want to do in life. If you want to study your ass off and get into a fancy UNI, fine. If you want to bludge everything and spend your life doing whatever the hell you want to do, fine. Because you all get the same ending; you die.

It Never Ends

I used to think I was getting better. Things were looking up, and sure, for a period of time, I think I was getting better. I dont have the time anymore; I dont have the time to help myself. So I sit and decay.
Im so fucking worried. About you, about life, about all my mistakes that are coming back to me now.
And I feel so bad. Guilt eats me up and anxiety makes it worse; its chaos everywhere I look. The hallucinations are getting worse, I cant tell the difference between them and reality anymore; I feel so dead, so numb. I feel so worthless, like nothing I do will ever matter; like nothing I can do now is ever right - every effort I put in is pointless.
Im not getting better. Im sick.
And I cant tell you.
Im worried about you, so much, and I cant add anything to your problems; it will just make things worse.
Im trapped.
I dont know how to let it out, I dont even know how to feel anymore. So I fix myself with the blades; it's a continuous circle.
And Im scared.
Its stupid. I'm stupid. So goddamn stupid.