I cant even believe it.
I promised myself that I could give it up. I guess thats what i told myself everyday, the 'I can stop whenever I want' speech.
It scares me that I couldn't.
Its stupid, so stupid, that even though I try so hard to be the sort of person that is strong enough to get over things, to fix things, that I cant even hold off the urge to drink.
The last person I wanted to let see me so helpless was, of course, the person who ended up looking after me. I never wanted anyone to see me so weak.
I was on the verge of passing out on a fucking porch. And I don't even remember it. I'll stay sober from now on; but then again, isn't that what I tell myself every time?

Im so fucking scared. I want to cry and I beat myself up about it; I want everything to be okay. I got everything I wanted, but in the worst possible way. And oh my god, all of this is my fault.
Why can I never fix it? I can never fix things, why cant I FUCKING FIX THINGS?! I can never even fis them, never fix myself, am i even really broken? i gotta get off these pills... i gotta get off these pills... i cant live when im not alive, of course im alive, why cant i feel my feet?