Take me away
from the flesh and the bone
to the stars and the sea
drown me in the deep

my bones can stand
amongst a miriad of sand
for all of time
drown me out to sea

stones in pockets
pants with holes in the knees
sand under fingernails
a thousand miles deep

16 years more than I wanted to be
walked into the ocean
and breathed in the sea
and the sand

Solitude

My skin falls away from my bones
the light leaves
past, present, future; combined and
   ultimatly destroyed in a breath
lives lose, years gone
you find yourself staring at the clock on the wall at 2am
   empty

I've got a reason to get up in the morning, a reason to stay up at night, a reason to try to eat, a reason to live. And nobody knows the whole huge story cause I think that Im actually going to live my LIFE now, im just scared cause I always say stuff at the wrong time and I dont know what to do...
i feel like a person again
like a real person with feelings
and nice stuff that happens
idk

i suck at all of this writing vaguely crap
so i put it all on my secret one
but I wish I could say it all here

i'll leave you alone now.
im confused.

Shes leaving, she packed her bags
Bags of hopes and dreams, and all the crap in-between
She's leaving tonight.
Closing doors behind her
There's a pretty fucking long path infront
So she grabs the whisky, takes a swig
and it leaves a burn in her mouth
Like all the words she never said
She lights a smoke and the smoke trails behind her
Shes never going back there again
She's going
Wandering,
She doesn't know where, but she's following this path untill it ends
Wherever that is
It could be today
Tomorrow
This week
Next week
Next month
Next year
All she knows is she's going.

how do i say all these things inside me?
never really meant it before i dont think
i think this is something really important
so i gotta wait for the right moment

i miss you

and i really suck at words right now, nothing i think ever comes out right
everythings really clumsy and i dont know how to say anything

im really stressed out
this whole 'getting your life together' shit is hard,
its not what i expected at all,
considering the real reason i was dropping out was so i could get stoned and drink the days away
without worrying about school
but now
i'll be in jobs 38hrs a week if i get it
and im scared
what if i dont want this?
i need the money though, really
but i dont know what to think about myself...
this is the turning point...
do i grow up now and leave everyone else behind?
cause im gonna lose alot of my time
and my friends, the ones i have left,
and im gonna miss everything about who i used to be
especially not giving a shit

this is hard because i have to actually care, and im scared
thats just it, i never thought i would admit it
but im fucking terrified
im not ready for this
how come everyone else got it so easy??!!

Everything was going so well untill you said that. Just fuck off, stop thinking you know what's best for me. It's my life. Stop being so fucking condescending.

There's a part of the circle where I'm supposed to fit in, but I can't figure out where and I don't want to break anything. I feel like theres ssomething staring me in the face and I'm missing it.
I'm sorry I'm always dragging you down, I'm sorry I get weird, that I have no money and I'm really awkward and unattractive. I'm sorry that I always fall asleep when we're talking, and I'm sorry if I'm not good enough.

I wake up sprawled across the bed, rub my eyes and sit up, tangled in the sheet. A morning breeze whispers past the curtain and into my room. I wrap the blanket around me and stagger out to the kitchen, grabbing my pack of smokes and a lighter on the way.
I make coffee; black. No sugar, no milk.
The sun is pulling itself lazily up over the horizon, lighting up the sky with soft hues of red and purple. Somewhere in the distance, beneath the sound of the highway nearby, birds are calling. I open the door to the back deck, lighter between my teeth as I step out and shut the door with my foot.
I sit down in my hammock, pulling my blanket tighter, my feet curled under me for warmth. The breeze picks up slightly; my hair falls around my face as I sip at my coffee.
Lazily I light up a smoke and watch the sun rise as I finish my coffee.
Today will be okay.

I feel like I'm fraying at the edges

Where are you? I need you so much right now

Tonight I feel like all the things I used to think that would pull me down are coming back to me. I really want to cut, to bleed, see the stark white inside of my flesh in the moments before the blood spews forth, I want to feel that warm blood rush, I want every muscle in my body to contract in pain as the knife grates across my bone, I want to pull out all the hair on my head and smash my fists against the wall. Im so lost.
Everything is getting to be too much, and Im scared. I don't want to go back to where I was.
I really need you right now, but I can't...
I just cant.

I feel so shaky and sick, I get headspins all the time when I stand up.
Don't eat. Have another smoke, more coffee, black, no sugar, don't eat. Read a chapter of this book. Like 10 people's status'. You're not really hungry, it will go away. Make tea. Drink tea. Have a glass of water. Hungry? Eat some icecubes. Do 20 sit-ups. You're not hungry. Busy, busy, busy. Have to keep doing or I'll start eating. Sew another patch on your jeans. Paint your nails. Weigh yourself. Drink more tea. Smoke again. Busy, busy, busy.

dont really know what im doing, im really bad at all the cute stuff
and whatnot
but
this is nice
i cant write it
but you know what I mean
i think
i need to say something, cause right now im filling up with all this happiness and i dont quite know what to do with myself
i never thought i would ever feel this way
but im actually

happy
i feel

like

idn

something nice is happening in my life right now, and im so glad that im alive :)

She draws the circles and the boxes and lives in them spinning out of control, her fingertips brush needles and blades and she could stretch and reach them if she really wanted to;...
she really wants to.
but she really wants someone, everyday, every minute, someone who makes her feel like everything is okay, and she actually feels happy with him
but right now she's spinning and wishing of closing her eyes and feeling the warmth and the rush and the blood and the burning and the smoke and the glass pipe and needle and she thinks that he makes her happier than all of these things
but right now she's alone

I feel like everyone is working towards 'it', and I don't even know what 'it' is yet. Like there is some huge giant plan and I thought everyone was just following the crowd but I think maybe they've worked it out while Im sitting here smoking and wasting my life away. I feel like I am running out of time to discover and accomplish all the things I have to do. Like I am wasted in words and paragraphs and I am literally drowning under all of the things I said for myself and all of the letters and numbers that make up my life are consuming me, I get so focused on writing, deciding, planning, that I never actually DO. Disconnect.
It is stuck on the back of my tongue, hanging in the back of my mind
...hanging in the back of a closet
...with a rope around their neck...
...hanging around....
I just... I always thought we would have more time.