I have a terrible secret.

Anonymous asked: i want to start cutting. any tips how to?

Tips? Okay, in a moment. First let me tell you a little about this.
The first time you cut? It won’t be that deep. But it will get worse.
You’ll find yourself panicking as someone points out the cuts that you forgot to hide for the first time, and fumble around in your mind trying to come up with a believable excuse.It’ll gradually get deeper. The scratches turn into huge gashes that take weeks at a time to heal. The kind that leave huge thick white scars that never quite fade.
The depression you’re feeling will slowly get worse and worse as you begin to hate yourself for the pain you’re inflicting on yourself. And the more you hate yourself, the more you cut, which makes you hate yourself more. And soon you’re spiraling down deeper and deeper.
Do you like wearing vest tops and shorts? Well forget that, because you’re going to have to hide behind jumpers and jeans in the summer desperately trying to hide your cuts and scars.
Do you like swimming? Because you wont be able to any more because you wont be able to hide your scars when wearing a swimsuit.
Ever had heat stroke? Well be prepared, because wearing long sleeves and jeans in 40c weather will come back to bite you.
Do you like having money to spend on nice things? Well you won’t be able to. Say hello to spending all of your money on band aids, anti-septic wipes, bio oil and razor blades.
Do you like being open to people? Because you won’t be able to. This disease will close you up and make you hide behind a fake smile and pull down your sleeves over the cuts on your arms. You won’t be able to express your emotions. Or let people know how you feel. You’ll keep everything you feel a secret out of fear that you’ll accidentally mention cutting and hell will break loose.
Do you like hugging your friends? Because that will change. Hugging hurts too much because of the cuts littering your body. And you’ll be scared to let anyone hug you in case they feel the bandages, scars and cuts through the fabric of your clothes
And then there’s the first time you cut too deep. When you sit on your bedroom floor with a pile of tissues almost having a panic attack as you desperately try to stop the heavy bleeding. You know you need to get it checked out - but no one knows and so you just sit there and pray to God that you’ll get through it.
say goodbye to ever looking at a razor differently. urges will never stop, just subside. it’s a illness that infestsyour brain and it will never go away, even if you do eventually manage to stop.
still want to cut? well here’s some ‘tips’
Okay here we go:

1. grab the scissors, pins, razor blades etc
2. throw them in the nearest bin
3. phone up someone you trust
4. tell them how you’re feeling and what’s bothering you.

because once you go down that path, it’s going to be ridiculously difficult to leave it. And it’s not worth it.
it will never be worth it.

tuvtuvtuvtuv fuck yersh dandinf like a fuckinf PR%O uou DOWN
CANT BELIEVE IS

sometimes people squa to me the ssay Y U SO CRUNKKKK i say m no no no nooooooooooooo NEEVR GONNA LET YOU doooooooownn
its freT because lifes goos, which good, and thiw makes me happy
goopd think im aucto-logged in on my lapotp o3r id nevevevr be able to sign in at times like thses hahahahahahgda

The Circle Goes On and On...

It hurts. It hurts so much knowing that I killed someone, someone who was a part of me; and even though, at the time, I thought everything would pass by, that life would go on just how it was before, that it would happen once and then never be remembered again, but its not like that.
Things changed, some things were better and some were worse, but it eats me up inside, every single day.
And even though I know that it was the best thing to do, and that there really was no other sensible option, it hurts.
I just need to talk about it, but of course its the only thing I cant talk about; the things that conversations sweep around, occasionally hitting; and I always look at you, trying to read you, trying to figure out if it still hurts you, too. I dont want it to.

Open your eyes. Fate isnt going to help you through. God isnt going to listen for you. Six billion people, what makes you think you're worth it too? Give it all you've got. Your regrets are yours, and yours alone. In the end nobody really cares, nobody remembers... You're too busy to find the time to count it down, every second passed is another second lost. This is your life, and it's ending, one minute at a time.

The Bleeding Never Ends

I broke again. This time I did it too deep, and it was stupid; it always is.
I wore a bandage to soak up the blood and I had to keep changing it because the blood was soaking through.

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Please, do not let your addiction define you, never think that your addiction is what you are. I'm not trying to offend anyone, but I've seen in myself and others that those kind of thoughts are a big mistake. The moment you think your addiction is all there is, the moment you let it define you, you are as far away from being in control as you can be. I've seen this in all kinds of addicts, it does not matter what you're addicted to, the moment you let your addiction become you, the chances of escaping it slims down.

You are not the blade your holding. You're not the needle you're pressing into your hand. You're not the cigarette, you're not the alcohol. You're a wonderful human being, with a little extra luggage. But you are not now, and nor will you ever be, the thing you are addicted to. 

I don't know your stories, I don't know what you've been through, what you're going through on a daily basis. But this I do know; you are all wonderful and beautiful human beings, and if you let yourself, you can become so much more then you are already. This isn't all there ever will be, you are just starting to stretch your feet. There are so much more to this world, and to you, if you only give it the chance. I know its easier for me to say this, then it is for you to actually do it. And I'm not saying you should put the blade down and become happy right away. I'm only saying, I'm only hoping, that you will find the courage to start taking those steps towards recovery. The next time you feel the urge, try putting it off as long as possible. Tell yourself "just wait 15 more minutes." And then after a while those 15 minutes will turn into an hour, a day, a week, a month. Recovery isn't easy, and those who claim it is are either lucky bastards, or they simply don't know what they're talking about.

When you relapse, don't hate yourself for it. Be proud, smile. You did so good, and I'm truly proud of you for making it. Say you made it two weeks, a relapse doesn't mean those two weeks were for nothing, quite the opposite; it means that your growing stronger, your closer to reaching the point were you're in control of the addiction, where you can stop. Being able to stay away from it for just a day is such an accomplishment, and never let anyone tell you otherwise. And never, ever, lose hope. You will manage to get past this, I know you will. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even years from now, but one day, one day you will. I have such a belief in you all, I can't even begin to say that enough. I have such an incredible respect for you. You are so incredibly strong. All those battles you are fighting, I know people that haven't survived. But here you are, still standing. I really do admire you for still being alive, that demands great strength. I can tell that you're an incredible person, and I know you will go to places far beyond your dreams in this life. You will make it, I know you will. 

You all are so beautiful, you all are worth so much more then words can cover. Each and every one of you are special in their own way, and I pray that you will all survive this battle. One day things will get better, and you all deserve to be alive to see that day. The best of luck to all of you.