All That Is Living Has A Home, Though Mine Is With The Dead.

I remember the days when I believed in nothing. I'm not talking about a higher or lower power; not an existance of 'god'. I didn't believe in anything. No actions, consequences, or people mattered because I was afraid to find out everyone was just a figment of my imagination. It's stupid, but I still fight not to think that now. Do I exist? Do these words exist; do they mean anything? I begin to think that maybe it doesnt even matter to write this, because it's all in my mind; I think that I'm living in a parrallel world in my mind, completely oblivious to everything that happens in the 'real world'. I'm probably tapping on a bunch of rocks or something, not typing. Maybe by writing this down, someone can wake me up.
What the fuck.

I scream at myself, at everything that's my fault, and everyone that I pushed away. I want so much to fix everything for everyone else, I can't stand seeing everything fall apart and watching people failing to catch it. I blame myself for everything that goes wrong, my fault or not.
I dont know what I'm doing. I just dont know.

You're never alone. You're never alone. You're never alone.

To be honest, I literally ache inside. I feel like running away and never coming back. I have never felt so temporary before. I never thought I would end up so ruined. Inherite my shoes, they were too hard to fill anyway. I tear myself to shreds to prove that I'm still in one piece... god, I never thought I'd miss you this much. I hate myself for it, and I try to find the exact point where you still reside, but there's nothing and you're still everywhere... and I want to cut out every part of myself that reminds me of you.
Fuck it. When it comes to the end does it really matter? Forget it and move on. One line a story to crush your bones. Art becomes the imitated, murder becomes the intimate.

Ruination

I ruin myself and I ruin my family and I ruin everyone around me, and I ruin every thought that has ever entered my head. I spin it around, inject it with hate, and I ruin this lie of a life that I live.

I wish you had some other way to escape everything.I hope you found the happiness you never could in this life. I dont care if I'm sad for the rest of my life, however short that may be, but I hope and wish with all my heart that I could change something so that you never were. Sometimes I'll be looking at the ground and think of you, and how you used to smile, how you always wanted us all to be happy no matter what. You always put others first. And I'm so scared because I never saw how hurt you were.
And there are weeks where all I think about is how you killed yourself and how I should too. And I want to see you and noone else, I'd give everything to see you for a moment. I'd give my life to see you smile.
It always feels empty. Cold and bleak and dead and pointless without you. I'd like to think you're with me but I know you're not. You're never coming back. I hear the doorbell and every time, for a fleeting moment, I think it's you. And then it hits me, and to be honest I literally ache inside.

Sinking, Always Sinking.

This has got to be the worst day. You're dead and I dont know if I can live with it for another year. I fucking miss you so much more than I ever could imagine.
What were you thinking? Your last thoughts. Oh god, I'm so helpless without you. I could scream it at the top of my lungs, I can't believe this, I'm so numb, I've never felt so dead as I do now. I just watch the world go by and it's so fucking hard.

You say you want to help. How can you?! I don't even understand this, so how can you?! You're not here anymore. You're dead.
Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm dying on the inside. Like it's all crumbling inwards and it's going to crush me.

I Just Want To Go Home

This ruin is not real. This falling shadow is your security. This reality is a guise. These lights will never show the truth. This false pretence only lends a hand to your self-destruction. And these shadows forgive your misconception. But focusing on the truth in a world of lies is impossible. Sometimes the truth only shows the hate, and darkness hides all hope.

Its so easy how everything you know falls  apart and youre thrown into a void. Lifeless. Holding onto your last shreds of hope as you go over the edge and the sea washes you away. Burnt in a fierce desire to be something more. To strive above the lines you were made to fit between. Breaking the chains. Running from safety, the ability to displace meaning for thrills, and the cheap reality breaks. Sudden stops and starts. Never planned. Falling towards an unknown hell, wiling to exchange it for a known one. Wake up.

Wake Up, Wake Up, Wake Up

I took a fucking step back. Looked at myself and realised that I hated what I became to escape what I hated being. Its a perpetual circle, it never ends. You learn to deal with it because you've learnt nothing else.
I tore myself to shreds to prove that I was someone that I could never be.
And I feel so empty.

Great Advice I Have Been Given

Say goodbye because tomorrow you might not wake up. Live every day, but live also with the realisation that you may or may not wake up tomorrow; with the realisation that if you are still living tomorrow you will have to live with the consequences of your actions the day before. Nothing is certain so have limits. Try not to regret too much, have morals, have opinions, and stand up for what you believe in.

God, I Forsake You Because Of Your Silence

Do we look for things and latch on to them even if we dont believe them because it's better than having nothing? Do we look for the explanation for daily things, for great things, for pointless things, and settle with a higher power because we cant face facts and blame ourselves?
We commit ourselves to a life of fear, and when we fuck up simply blame it on a God that never answers.
The only reason to believe in any version of a Christian  afterlife is fear. Fear that unless everything you do is exactly what your God tells you to do, you will rot in Hell. What kind of religion is that?
Face facts. If you spend your whole life doing everything the bible says, you're not going to die feeling accomplished and happy not to be going to Hell. You're just going to regret not getting to do anything exciting and spontaneous.

Things An Antelope Doesn't Know

• How to hold a cup politely
• How to play chess
• How to spell
• How to cook lasagna
• That all antelopes die in the end.

You think that things will stay the same, because thats the way it has always been. You think lunch will follow breakfast and sometime after that, dinner will appear. You think that glass can break, that water is wet, that fire is hot and that the seasons will change. You think you will wake up tomorrow. But sometimes you are wrong.

Welcome To My Life

We all hate you. We ALL hate you. We all HATE you. We all hate YOU.

Sometimes it all crashes down around me and I'm the only one left standing in an dead city. Everything that once was, now doesn't exist. There is no infinite and definite, yet at the same time the concept of questioning it is inpercievable. Everything you once held as fact ends up being a lie. Every lie you were ever told becomes real and then dissaparates. Nothing is real. Nothing exists. But at the same time, the existance of nothing becomes the existance of something. You begin to believe anything and everything as your mind comes up with it... you see to the inside of your mind, to the core of yourself.
And you realise that we're all rotten inside anyway.

Losing a Grip On Myself

You never told me the failure I was made to be, never prepared me for the ruin that would follow me my entire life. I used to think there was more than this; but I dont put my faith in things that will never save me. I'm not going to live under the illusion that everything always turns out okay. Is there any reason, other than fear, to believe in any version of an afterlife?
There's people hiding behind every corner, every wall, everyone is conspiring against me; there's always something going on that I don't know about. There's things waiting for me, trying to get me, hiding around in dark places and in the corners of my mind. I wish I could get out of my mind. But I think that's he problem... it's like my mind isn't even mine anymore, like theres something inside me, taking me over.

I'm Getting Out Of My Mind

I need out. I'm fucking trapped here and i just need to get out. Run. The problem is that I'm always going in circles, but each time it gets smaller, closer to home. I can't do it anymore. The only person that I want to tell is the ony person I can't tell; I don't want it to come between us like something cold. You don't see it but every conversation weaves its way around it, dipping and ducking, and one day there's not going to be anything else. Nothing left. It's so awful.
We get so mismatched, so coarse, that it's hard to imagine ourselves as another - but sooner than you'd expect it all comes crashing down; everything tangible brings you down and the unknown just envelopes it. Losing yourself doesnt seem like such a bad idea. Trade yourself in, buy yourself a chance to be someone else. You'll lose that too, with leadening conciousness as reality returns. Spinning, falling. Crushing. Soon enough you cant take it anymore. So you do it again. Escape from something you're creating. Escape from the monster when the monster is you. You can't hold on to yourself.

A Bit of Ranting

Doesnt anyone ever think to themselves, 'fuck, this life is overrated!'? I mean, when your high hopes are GETTING high, what point is there to be made? When you set yourself up for love, peace, happiness, equality, all that shit, all you're ever gonna get is a slep in the face. When you set yourself up for failure, when you expect nothing but ruin, aren't you pleasently surprised when something DOESN'T go wrong? I'm not saying you need anything GOOD to happen, just the fact that at least one bad thing DIDNT happen? Then again, it's like crossing off points on a list of 'crap things that will happen'; you miss one and get excited, but soon enough it comes around and hits you in the face.

Reality Is So Fragile

I'm pretty fucked up from all the shit I've done. I'm hearing voices and seeing shit now even when I'm sober. It's like there's always someone calling my name, always someone wanting to get me. There's whispers all the time, whispers from nowhere and yet everywhere at once. I'm crazy.
It's like I'm slipping away from reality and the reality that I base my whole existance around isn't even real. And I often wonder how many people that I talk to every day even exist.

My Depression

It doesn’t hit you with a bang. It creeps up to you, sneaks inside you and takes over. It’s so slow you can’t really notice until you look back and realise you are a completely different person. And then you give up and it kills you.

Thinking In Reverse

I feel so alone in this shell. It doesn’t matter what I do… I’m so alone. I know I’m sick. I know that maybe if I told someone, I could get help. Then I could get better. But that would mean telling someone. I can’t. I cant be any more of a burden to everyone. I fuck things up all the time and this is one thing I’m not going to let myself screw up someone’s life with. At least, for now, I’m okay. I feel stable enough to hold on for a while. But one day I’m either going to have to tell someone, or im going to die. I don’t want everything to be this way anymore – I don’t want to feel this way anymore. But some of it’s my fault. I let it eat me up. I guess im hanging between everyone I've lost and everyone left here. I’ve got to pick. And I don’t want to. But there are some things you have to do whether you like it or not.

Life In Slow Motion

I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I feel like I can move on and put it all behind me. Like I could start again. And then I feel like im just being crushed between lies and secrets and I don’t care what I do, or if anyone finds out. Then I regret it and try to start again, but I feel guilty and can’t be bothered to do anything top help myself and I think ‘what’s the point?’, and I know, someday, that I’ll get over this. And as soon as I think that, I realise I cant possibly put it all behind me. And the circle starts again.

Fragmentation Of A Dream

It’s like all the worlds I had, collided and now everything I knew is gone. Sever the ties, I can’t commit, I’m unstable. It’s like living on sand, you’re gonna sink or be washed out to sea.  I can’t blame anyone for the ruin that follows me. Im faking it so bad that I don’t know what real emotions are. Im on so many medications, and when im not, im on so many drugs, that I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. It’s like im teetering on the line between reality and dreams, and I’m afraid it’s really the line between life and death.

Falling Away For A Day In The Life Of Myself

The sun is just coming up and everyone is either alseep or just waking. Im trying to get back in the house without waking anyone. And thats on a good day. Sometimes I'll be just waking up too, but with no idea where I am and no recollection of the night before.

Thought For The Day

I hope you saw the sun set.
You will never see it rise.

This Is The Art Of Ruin

Im a failure. The bar broke. I tried to hang myself in the closet and the fucking bar broke. Words are irrelevant. everything you once knew is irrelevant. Nothing matters, nothing is real.

I still feel like giving up. I thought that if I made it through everything before, then all this would seem easy. It doesn’t. It feels like I’m tied to the train tracks and train after train destroys me further every day. Some days its okay. Some days I can bear it. Other days I'm barely awake when I start smoking up.
I just want to leave here, but I don’t want to die. There’s no end to this... I guess some kids are just born with tragedy in their blood.
I don’t want to leave this life, just this reality. This reality that I feel isn’t even real sometimes. And then the realisation that there’s no way out, that this will never really end hits me like a thousand bricks.
There’s got to be more than the same mundane things every day?

My Fears Have Become Phobias

I used to fear having nothing. And I guess it was the reason I held in for so long. I didn’t want to be left with nothing.
It took me a while, but I realised that having nothing was the best thing that ever happened to me. I wasn’t tied to places or people by material objects. I could go wherever, whats the worst that could happen? Nobody could take anything away from me because I had nothing.

Dodge

If I keep Dodge, I can say goodbye to my boyfriend, my body, my family, and my life. If I lose Dodge, I can say goodbye to my morals and ethnicity, my personal beliefs and ideas, what I stand for. Do I choose to abort, to kill, just because it's the easy way out? There's something big about having someone growing inside you. That one life is entirely in your hands. It grounds you. It makes you realise just how powerfull you can be. But is it even worth it, to create one more fatherless child? There's no way I would be able to support Dodge, so that would be another orphaned child whos mother gave them up. Maybe I want both options. I'm scared of what I might decide, I can't make this decision all on my own but I have to. It's so wrong, I shouldn't even have to think about this at my age!
Sometimes I think I feel his/her heart beating with mine. A soul within my soul... do I kill Dodge to keep my simplicity of life? Or do i try to do something for someone else other than myself? Even if it means giving up the life I've always had?

Time Slowly Ticking...

It’s been a while since anyone actually read something I’ve written. Usually it’s too depressing and morbid. I don't know what I want to achieve with this, when I think about it. I guess I just want to leave my mark on the world, not to change it, but to know that I won’t be forgotten.
Is there anything worse than knowing your entire existence is based on the assumption that you will wake up tomorrow? Because nobody can say for certain that they actually will. And I want to leave something to be remembered by, because this is your life...and its ending, one minute at a time.