I want to always be as 'out of it' as possible. I want to be wasted every day and night; I want to physically feel the same way I feel, emotionally. It makes no sense but for some sick reason its better than being a part if this world; this sober world. I want my perception of reality to be as warped as possible. So no, generally, I dont get high and drunk for the 'good feelings' or the 'buzz', I'm just trying to escape this world as much as I can. 

Heart pounding breath catching in your throat your tears running down your cheeks and youre all alone noone would ever want to be with you everything hurts and nothing will ever be okay ever again kill yourself save yourself hang me shoot me strangle me stab me drown me weigh me down with rocks and throw me into the sea choking crying hand down your throat purging you ate too much today you fat bitch throwing up choking cant breathe vomit everwhere purge again and again and again stomach acid good that means all the food is gone never eating again ever ever im such a failure blade in hand cutting deeper its never deep enough i think i hit something important shit i dont care cant breathe cant breathe so dizzy

You Always Want What You Can't Have

happiness.
money.
freedom.
acceptance.
you.

I miss you so much. Every second of every day, I miss you.

I feel that I am missing something. As if I have a gaping black hole inside me that will never be filled; and I feel like the answer is slipping by me over and over again each day but I can't quite see it.

When I'm Blinded I Think I See Everything...

I now know what I want. Or what I think I want.
But choices are never easy.
I've just lost that spark, that feeling that I used to get. Its harder to enjoy now; I'm just stressed all the time.
I love it, in theory - but thats so much more difficult than reality.
What I've come to realise now, is that it is so much harder to admit you no longer enjoy something that you pushed to have and that everybody thinks is your dream, than it is to give up a dream that was forced on you.
Its harder to admit to yourself that you no longer want something; something that you've pushed to have.
You think you know how you will feel.
You think you will feel free. You think that a great weight will be lifted from your shoulders; but you never really know.
I want to let go but I cant. I'm not afraid of letting anyone down, because thats what I'm doing currently - I guess I'm only afraid of letting myself down.
I'm worse at what I do best....

Everyone thinks I've stopped cutting.
I've just gotten better at hiding it. My arms are a fucking mess. I hate myself for it but I don't want to change.
They're getting deeper. I need stitches but I can't get them.
Ive ruined myself. And I'm doing it again, over and over and over.

Kill Mankind

I am a horrible person. Im sick, fat and disgusting. Filth oozes from my mind every breath I take.
The human disease will one day cease to be. The vile creatures that create society will rot in the ground as humanity crumbles, and the skies will turn black and suffocate the masses. Humanity failed, we failed, you failed, I failed. This world will reclaim us and every breath you ever took will mean nothing.

I'm not ready for this.

Everyone thinks I'm eating again but really I'm just purging it all. I can't eat. It's gotten to the point where I'm faking having the flu just so I don't have to eat anything. I'm so dizzy. I'm so tired.
I don't even know anymore.
I dont look any thinner but I'll get there. I'm not eating untill Im thin.

So, I didnt die.
I threw up all the pills (sadly) and walked around in a haze for the next two days. I had no energy, no reasons for anything; the only reason I didnt try to kill myself again was because I literally did not have the energy.
I was shaking and having a total breakdown all day though, and I was terrified to be left alone because I knew I would hang myself.
Then, the other night, I tried LSD for the first time. This was the most mind-opening experience of my entire life (including shrooms) and I literally was filled with this amazing joy and energy, my mind was bubbling over with colour and great ideas. Everything held such potential.

Of course, everything went back to normal.
I still feel cold.