It's this time of year that gets me down. Think of all the promises that I made to myself that I could never keep. A year or binging and purging and starving and crying over food and at the end of it all I've lost is 10kg and my sanity. A year of destroying myself with needles and razors, half of it hazy and all those days that I don't even remember. A year of loving and losing and watching people walk out of my life forever. I just think of all the things I've done wrong and hope that right now I'm doing something right. I really have noone left, and I don't want to be alone anymore.
I'm sorry that I'm never good enough.

Next year I will be 42kgs. I will be pretty, I will be thin, and I will try to keep people in my life. 

I am trying, trying, trying
and failing
always failing
I have something to live for now
I just want you to see it too

A fireball of self-destruction. A whirlwind of apathy and alchohol. A cyclone of needles and syringes and lighters and small plastic bags filled with happiness and something to fill the empty space in me, a hopeless, self-destructive wreck.

Coffee and cigarettes are best when shared with you.

I just can't shake this feeling, this yearning to feel hungry, that pain in your stomach, the cramps, the headaches and the tiredness... the blackouts when you stand up or when you walk too long. I want to feel empty, hollow, light... I am yearning, reaching, striving towards perfection. I want my ribs to show, I want my pants to pull across my hipbones leaving a gap over my stomach, I want my collarbones to cast shadows on my chest bones, I want to be able to trace the outline of my skeleton -my skin stretched tight over my bones. Pure, happy, free...
I won't eat untill I reach perfection; I can't eat or I won't reach perfection. I want to look in the mirror and not cry. I want to be the thinnest, I want to be happy, I want to like myself. I want people to describe me as the thin one; I need this. Coffee and smokes, and cold diet cokes... that's what pretty girls are made of.

I had such a nice day,
it really felt like it would work out
and things would be good
like they are now

I wish someone cared enough to say sweet things to me, to stay up late to talk to me and called me whenever something seemed wrong. I feel like everyone's worrying about everybody else and nobody cares enough to make sure im okay; and it hurts, to be reassured that you are worth nothing to everyone. I'm not worth the time, not worth the effort, not worth smiles or words or breath. I get it.

I feel very empty and boring and uninspired and useless. So I wont eat for a week and then I will be wanted and exciting and inspired and happy.

I need everyone to stop leaving me, I just want a hug or someone to tell me that I will be okay...  I'm scared. I'm really alone, and nobody cares. So she sits as the tears run down her face and she can't breathe through the pain so she brings the pain to the surface of her skin and she cuts out everything that she did wrong.

Rocking back and forth, my knees pulled to my chest and I’m gasping in air as nI shake and smash my head against the wall, fuck fuck fuck heart pounding freezing but sweating crying gasping dying cutting bleeding panic attack, fuck fuck fuck what am i going to do i am so fucking stupid this is never going to end well i should just kill myself i love you and im a wreck and i dont like who i am meant to love and im not even okay tonight nim shaking and crying and i want you to hold me cause everrything feels better that way. who am i kidding, going to the police will do nothing the video will get around everyone will see how disgusting and what a whore i am and everyone will hate me and nobody likes me anyway i am sick of being afraid of you i need to fix this. you ruined my life, you ruined me,l you stole something from me that i feel i will never replace, i feel as if i have this gaping hole inside me where you violated and stole parts of me
i am so sick, scared, upset, i am not okay, cuttin cutting, cutting… three days till christmas and i want to kill myself i hate feeling this way

...
you.

Im not really too good with words anymore. Wish I was; I just can't say things the way I used to be able to do. I want to be able to say something warm and safe and happy and solid, because that's how I feel.

It's like the ice that used to be inside me is melting. I'm feeling stuff again... and I'm feeling real again. There's all these songs that bring out memories and good feelings; I think I remember what it's like to be happy. I sing to myself sometimes, and I don't cry whenever I look in the mirror. I don't hate myself so much anymore... and everyday isn't a struggle.

But nothing feels like home like you...

Im sorry that I'll never be good enough. Im sorry that there will always be someone thinner, prettier, nicer... always someone better. I mean look at me, I'm a wreck. I'm covered in scars and who would ever want that?
I feel like tearing myself apart. Im dying. Im wasting my life, Im wasting it bleeding and crying and screaming. This isn't living; I'm only longing for the things I can never have.
Im confused. Im a stupid, useless, fat whore and nobody really cares about me. Fuck, I dont blame them. I hate myself too.

What do I do?

I am tearing things apart and I am hurting people, I want something that I can never have and it's killing me. Im trapped, I can't leave... What do I do; trying to keep up with all the promises I've made but also trying to be okay
What am I saying
I want you but its hard
And I'm stuck.

And the whole time I wanted you and you couldn't see it; and I couldn't say it
dont go

FUCK
Im losing it, I'm slowly losing everything and everyone.
There's nothing there for me anymore, and I don't know how to end it. I don't want this.
I dont know what Im saying
I think I'm just going to drown in my own blood
Its worth it, and I dont know what to do
I tried and tried, but no matter what I do I'm always wrong, always letting someone down.
I need you, Im trying, Im trying but I dont know what to do
I don't have all the answers
But Im trying
And Im sorry

Holy fuck thats a good one, as wide as my pinky finger, oh the crimson fear that spills out, andd the numbing feeling through my fingers, fuckkkk it feels good to cut deep again. Splitters, dreaming in crimson.

...and it hurts.

I'm in love with bad timing.... I'm in love and I'm sorry.

I still haven't eaten since Tuesday. I've been drinking a lot of tea, and really not doing anything except drawing/ painting/ sleeping. But these last 5 days, I haven't felt exhausted, dizzy, sick, or even hungry. I'm now sitting on or just below the 50 kgs mark, with my BMI being 18.8 !!!!!!!! not only am i now officially underweight, but this is the weigh you have to be to be admitted into a treatment clinic for eating disorders (meaning i must be thin!)
but you know what would be nice? If i could see the fucking difference, all I see is fat although the scales tell me otherwise.... all I see is fat that shouldnt be there.

She stands in the rain, the whispers of the wind gently pressing the water against her as she spins slowly with her arms oustretched. The water has stopped the watch on her wrist from ticking, and she let her hair tangle down her back. Maybe, this is what she has been waiting for.

And maybe you feel like home...

I feel terrible. I realise that alot of the time I spiral downwards it is triggered by something you've posted, something you've said to someone, or something you've done. I know you don't mean to, I know you love me; and fuck, I love you too, but this is killing me. I think I need a break, or an escape or something. I hate feeling like this; guilty and upset, but thats what it's like. New York, I love you but you're bringing me down.

Im angry at you, which I have never ever been before. Either you're lying to me or you're lying to everyone else, and Im almost 99% sure you're lying to everyone else. You did not 'smoke alot of pot', you drunk every now and then but you were not a fucking 'alchoholic'; and if you're going to talk to someone about me at least tell them the truth, do not try and make me sound innocent and weak. And you never, ever, taught me how to scream. I taught myself with 4 lines of tips from an old friend, I never even used youtube. So no, you did NOT teach me. All of your problems, yes they suck, but a lot of other people have those same problems and you shouldn't be bragging about your exaggerated problems. It's like you're trying to make yourself sound 'cooler', or 'tougher', or something. "Oooh I'm moving out cause of my major depression etc etc...." You've changed so much and I dont even think you can see it; and as much as it hurts me to say it, you're not the same person I fell in love with.

I am going to have the BEST night.I've got new blades, new bandages and everything is cleaned and shiny and magical. I am so excited, I have waited so long. It's been so long, it's time for a reunion; I am so thrilled to finally be dipping back into something that kept me company for so long. More healing, taking care of myself, and the scars... from red to purple and then softly fading to a lovely white, pushing up past my skin, remnants of the pain that tore into my skin. Yes. Tonight is something to look forward to.

I haven't eaten since Tuesday night (it's saturday afternoon now). Actually, I had a spoonful of yoghurt yesterday. My hipbones are getting nicer, and I think subliminally I'm doing this so I won't lose you.

I have been waiting to get past 'formal' and then that struggle would be over, I am going to push the blade in and watch all the pain leave my body, but Im sick atm and sort of feel like Im floating cause I got coedine and I had a bong with it on top, not nsure you ncould call nthat a snow cone haha, but when i am better i am going to cut and cut and cut and ccut
and then i will b happy
even though im pretty happy at the moment
A lot more happy than I have been in a long time - even if I have a nlot on my mind and some big decisions to make.

I feel kinda bad, because I should. But Im happy with myself (for now) (mind you I don't remember the last time I ever felt happy with myself) and Im feeling.. happy? Im not sure what it feels like anymore. But I think so.
I don't want anything bad to come of this; because it was good.
I don't know.Ignore me.

Oh shutup. You do not know what you are geting into. You are so... so fucking NAIVE.
It is not glamorous. It is not cool. It is not pretty. It is not 'grown-up'.
It is a filthy, disgusting addiction that takes over your entire life.

 I want to be in a van with a hammock in the back and dream catcher hanging from the rear-view mirror. I want to watch the sun rise, wear colourful pants and band t-shirts. I want to smoke as I watch the sun set. I want to hotbox the van with friends and draw all over the inside. I want happiness. I want freedom.

I'm really... lifeless. I feel empty, and angry, and upset. I feel like crying all the time but I physically can't. I break down a lot too, tearing at myself but I can't cry. I miss all of the people that have come into my life and left it too soon. I keep re-thinking all of the things I never got to say.
I'm scared of losing all the amazing people that are in my life now. I don't think that life would be worth living without them. I just want to be held.
I'm really sick of feeling so alone.
I miss the last few days.

i fly
over the needles and over the blades
i pull my skin tight
i stretch my skin across my bones,
a canvas.
and i paint it.
and i
just want
to
be
happy.

I'm trying, you know. I'm trying to pull myself together, to remember to eat, to remember not to eat too much, trying to figure out a job and centrelink payments, trying to negotiate a bank card, trying to figure out how I can pay for my next pack of cigarettes, trying to pay for everything from hair dye to toothpaste and socks, trying to figure out who's house I can sleep at tonight, and trying to stop hurting myself. I am trying to remember to go to therapy, I am trying to complete the activities that are assigned to me during therapy, I am trying to get around without a car and very little money on my bus card. I am trying to get everywhere on time. I am trying to make sure I still look nice, I am trying to take care of my piercings, I am trying to keep my weight going down without getting sick, I am trying to do my schoolwork and my homework, I am trying to pay attention, I am trying to stay awake in school, and I am trying to get more than 3 hours of sleep each night.
So when you say that I'm "not trying", or "you doubt I could be on time", it fucking hurts. It's like I'm making all of this effort for nothing.

Everyone says they are so shocked when they talk about my weight. Thay all say I am so thin. And on a few occasions I have had people say I have the 'perfect body'. But the numbers go down and I keep looking in the mirror... and I just see myself getting fatter and fatter, everyday.

Hey everyone,
I've had to change my URL because somehow my parents have been reading my blog for a few days.
I was previously trippy-overdose.blogspot.com (now deleted)

I feel thin.
I had a great weekend.
Now I am feeling bad. I don't know what to do. I dont feel anything; not numb, just nothing. Angry, I guess. Lonely.
I saw in my tea leaves that she was going to die. I'm still not sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing.

You are SO unoriginal. You think you fool us? You don't fool anyone!! You're a lying, attention-seeking/craving bitch who steals everyone elses problems for justification of your own.

My legs hurt. 
My legs ache. so fucking much.
WHYYY

Forget Yourself, Erase Yourself.

It is no longer a concious effort. I simply forget about eating now. I realised about 10 minutes ago that I felt hungry, then remembered I haven't eaten since ...when... I think I had a salad sunday night. (Its tuesday night/ wednesday morning now).
This isn't bulimia. This isn't anorexia. Trust me, food is always on your mind. You do not hate food, you love it. But you cannot eat it. So you think about it, you smell it, you look at it, but you do not eat.
This is.... nothing. I am simply forgetting to live.
I don't know what's going on in my head. I am not starving myself, I don't think, consciously, at least, because even when I do think of food, I feel like all my tastebuds are cardboard.
I like orange juice watered down. Less calories.
There. When I do eat, I count calories, every fucking one of them. I try to stay below 500 per day. It's been going well, and I've stopped purging (easier than I thought it would be). (Still very hard.)
But mostly, I don't think of food.
I don't think of anything.
I worry about you.

Im alone.

I don't really know what in doing with my life; this is all I've got. Please stop taking it from me.

What goes around does not come around. You can do all the fucking caring in the world, but in the end that does not mean that anyone will give a shit about you.
You will feel worthless, like you did something wrong.
You will feel lonely.
And nobody really cares unless you're pretty or dying.

I am










Empty.

Nothing

I pull my skin stretched over my bones
And that's the way I want it to stay
And I am terrified
That when I am finally thin
That it still will not be
Enough

This at seem like no big deal at all but I fucking want to destroy myself because I am not worth anything. All because of a piercing. Fuck everything. My septum is really crooked and pierced too low, the swellings gone down and now I cam see the placement is really bad. It's fine for everyday and will be fine or a while, but in about a year or so I am going to have to let it grow over and have it redone. Arghhhhhhhh it's so fucking annoying, I'm so disappointed. It looks great for now and I love it, but it won't last, with the placement there's a huge chance it will reject and also in a while it will be really noticeable. Fuckthis. I'm so angry gahhh

Just updated Short Stories, link is on the top right (:

I've started writing again.

You ruin every fucking day for me. Anything someone says reminds me of you, of what you did. You're filth. I hope you fucking die. I will fucking kill you and spit on your shallow grave in the middle of nowhere. Nobody will wonder what happened to you because everyone will hate you. They will all know what you did to me, to that other girl, and who knows what you have done to others.
I can't quite get the feeling of you out of my skin, the taste of you from my mouth. Every fucking day I hope you choke, and I hope one day you feel like you made me feel. I am disgusted in myself because of what you did to me, and it's like you stole something I can never replace. I am missing a part of myself that you've destroyed.

I think I know what I am searching for; a purpose. I need to do something with my life.
Even though this is practically close to nothing on the scale of things that people realise, this is a huge accomplishment for me. So, plan A is to think of plan B.
I feel accomplished, and I will spend a while finding out what my purpose is. Or what anything is.
I think I need solitude; resoluteness, and simplicity.

I have no idea what I'm doing.
I want to help. I want to fix you. That sounds not the way I wanted it to. I care, alot. I really do. Please don't hurt yourself, I want to take away the pain. It's pointless hurting myself trying to stop you from hurting, but it's the only thing I know how to do. I want to make everything okay. I want you to be happy.I want you to know that you're wanted. I want you to know that you're needed.
Please don't hurt yourself tonight.

Today was hard. I was manic then depressive. My arm is a fucking mangled mess, and I don't web remember anything cause I was disassociating. I am physically and emotionally drained and exhausted. I am an honest mess. I passed out in art today an when I woke up, noone even noticed. Nobody cared.
I should be used to it by now.

Wishbones and collarbones, dreaming and dying. Dreaming of dying. I'm back down again and it's horrible to hide. No blades. No escape. Someone save me. All I am is confused. I'm scared. Help me. Nobody notices, nobody cares, i need help and somebody to say, "are you okay?" and actually mean it, and actually want the answer. I wouldn't know what to say anyway, "I'm fine" has gotten to be such an automatic response; I don't even know what's wrong anymore. I think I want to die again. I don't know. I think I feel happy. I know I feel sad. What the hell is going on in my head???!!

I moved out of home two days ago. I have all my stuff with me.
I don't know, it's exhilarating but I feel bad leaving. I know my family is hurt by this but I need to move on with my life.
I have a lot of things to do. Centrelink, jobs, bank account. Finish applying at college. I have no money.
Well I did but I spent it on weed. haha yay

Fucking yay. Don't you love it when you can't feel your hand because you've cut too deep? Yeah me too, its great. Fucking great. I actually didn't mean to - or maybe I did. Either way, I regret it now but that's just the way it is. I guess this could be used as a giant analogy of my life: I do things that I'm not really sure that I want to do or why I want to do them, and in the end they don't benefit me at all, or anyone.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Stop it. Fucking stop it. You know exactly what you are doing. You are not innocent. You are a liar and a cheat. You are a fucking disgusting horrible human being. Fuck you. Just stop tearing me down.
Stop trying to be me, you stupid fuck. I can see right through you, you fucking horrible worthless waste of space.
I fucking hate you; and you will get what is coming to you. Be fucking afraid.

So I Tear Myself To Shreds To Pull Out All The Pieces That Never Really Were A Piece Of Me.

I haven't eaten since friday. I don't know when I will eat. Probably not soon. I'm not hungry, I don't even feel anything.
I cry alot.
That's about it.

I've been thinking. I am really really sorry, from the bottom of my heart, for all the things I've ever said or done that have hurt you. I love you, and I mean it.
But I'm sick. I'm really not in a good place at the moment, I don't think it will ever get better; and I think you deserve better than to keep getting dragged down by me.
Im sorry.

I don't want to do this - but I have to. I'm losing my mind. I really am. I can't control myself. I'm not a good person in any sense of the word.
This hurts.
I don't really know what I'm doing anymore.
But I know that I'm getting worse.
And I found out I have a glitch the other day. Basically, every day I lose minutes of my life (ie- I'll have no idea what I just said or where I just came from). The psychiatrist said that I will lose around 30% (if not more) of my life.
I am a fucking mess.

It's been too long. I've forgotten what to say.
You always used to say things when I couldnt.

I don't know what to say.
I am a fucking mess inside.

I just want to cry and cry and cry.

I don't want to talk to anyone ever. But I dont want to be alone.
Help me.

I have ruined everything in my life that I possibly can; family, friends, love, education, job/career, everything. Absolutely fucking everything.

I managed to hold myself together all day but now that I'm alone I'm hurting so much. What am I doing with my life??!!! This is irreversible. I feel that the only way out would be to kill myself. I am a disaster. And the feeling that this is how I will feel for the rest of my life is killing me. Im sorry, really, more than everything. I'm sorry I am not good enough. Im sorry I lie. Im sorry.
Im crying my fucking eyes out. The type of crying that you choke up and can't breathe and hiccup and it's not very pretty. I am so lost.
Help me. Please.
Just leave me alone.
I dont know what I want.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OR SAY I JUST WANT TO DIE
TO PUT IT BLUNTLY
I AM FUCKING LOST
I AM FUCKING DEAD INSIDE

I AM NO LONGER TRYING TO IMPRESS ANYONE
I COULDNT GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK OF ME
MAYBE IF YOU STOPPED CARING ABOUT ME, THEN YOU WOULDNT GET HURT

What the fuck have I just done. Everything, gone. Fucking gone. This is what I do - I ruin everything. All the time. Im sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. But it's better off this way.

You'll be fine. You've got people that love you, that need you, that care about you, that accept you. You've got talents, and you've got knowledge.
I don't have any of that. Hey, I don't blame anyone except myself: I wouldn't be friends with me in another life, it's completely my fault that I'm not good at anything, and it's my fault that I never paid any attention in school and don't know shit.
I am going nowhere with my life and I'm trying to save you before I drag you down with me. It's for the best, it hurts but it's better. I think. Why the fuck is this all my problem. I'm not ready for this.
My breath is catching in my throat and I can't really see through the tears in my eyes. There's blood everywhere, fucking everywhere. I was doing so well. So fucking well, and this is what it came down to? I was trying to eat, mostly I was keeping it down too, what a fucking waste. I'll just be fat. Who am I doing this for? I don't know anymore.
I'm angry. I'm upset. I'm lonely. I'm sick. 

I am a thousand different emotions.
I am none.
I am full, brimming, bursting with energy, hate, sadness, fear, happiness, mania.
I am empty.
I am ecstatic, happy, wild, excited, free, joyfull and accomplished.
I am suicidal, angry, lost, hopeless, sad, terrified, cold.
I am complex.
I am nothing.
I am 50%.
I am 50%.
And I will never truly win this war.

I can't do it anymore. Two fucking months, for who? For me? It was never about me - it was always about you. What will everyone think??? Better make sure your daughter doesnt put shame to your name. Play the blame game. Lie. Cheat. Fake it.
I've been faking it because the urge is here as strong as ever. You know I can't be everyone's rock. I want to be, I need to be  - but I can't be. Which makes me feel useless and like I have let everyone down; in the end, I guess, thats what I fear the most. Letting people down. Not being good enough.
Ah well, might as well prove it. Fuck em.
Fuck yeah we're gonna party tonight.

Everyone Wants To Change Their Life, But Nobody Wants To Start Today

Im creating an inventory, a store-room filled with memories and perceptions and different people, places, and things. Ultimate rebirth comes from loss of material possessions and thus the dependance on thoughts. The higher being. The meaning of existance.

I delude myself. I begin to think that I am wise.

Dreams

Im not quite sure of what to say anymore. Here, alone, with people... anywhere. I am always afraid its not the right thing to say. I used to build a sanctuary out of words, a safety net; somewhere I felt totally in control - and I fear thats what I yearn for in all things; control and perfection.
I am running out of words. I can no longer narrate my own life - I am trying to live a book, I need to realise that I need to live - and THEN the book.
I am thinking of finalising this blog. Of wrapping up all the words and long hours wretched on the floor, my frustrations taken out on myself and then documented - however cryptically, here, and I am thinking of publishing it. I would call it something short, personal, and simple. The line under the title would say ....something. I would write under a different name, no link would ever be made to me.
But everyone knows all stories must have an end. And so I must find my end, and thus finalise what I have done with my life.

I cant do it anymore. Talk to me. Dont talk to me. Come closer. Fuck off forever. Come back. Fucking hell, all my emotions are conflicting at once and I'm so sick of this. It's so fucking hard. I dont think I can ever make anyone understand that - how motherfucking hard it is to hold myself together. I need it now. I want to bleed, I want to tear at my skin untill theres nothing left, I want to bleed out all of the blood in me. You have 6 litres of blood. Blood weighs approximately 1kg per litre. The stomach holds 4 Litres. If I throw up everything then bleed myself out I will weigh 10 kilograms less. I will be at my goal. I will have perfection. I will have 45kg, if it kills me.
I want to slice lines into my skin. I want to carve through the fat tissue down to the muscle so that I can see it move through transparent layers of fat. I want to destroy myself. I need the release. Why do I do anything anymore? I dont know. I just do. Day after day, cutting away.

I will never be thin enough. I will never be funny enough. I will never be nice enough. I will never be caring enough. I will never be pretty enough. I will never be enough.

Oh no not again please
fuck
i had such a nice day
and yesterday too
for this to happen
fucking hell dont make me this way, i just want to be better
i fucking want to be better
i cant do it
im so hopeless
im in tears oh my god i need you so much right now
wait, im too busy looking after you for you to remember to ask if im okay
im not okay
not now
not ever
help me
i feel so bad tonight
i feel so bad.

New York I Love You, But You're Dragging Me Down

I had one of the bast days I've had in a long time, today.
But I feel bad. About myself. I want to be good enough. I dont always want to fuck things up. Im sick and I'm sorry.

Tonight was great.
Despite a binging/purging episode at school (couldn't help the temptation - too many fucking cupcakes) and three previous days of not eating, I managed to eat an entire McDonalds McChicken burger AND keep it down. Im so proud of myself. It may not seem big, but this is a lot.
Tonight was great.

I am all sorts of the emotions all sorts of the time. I am all of them and none of them. I am one and I am nothing. I am everything and I am a number. I am a number and I am a speck. I am nothing and in that I am everything.
Im not going to post this.

I drink the coffee to get the taste of you out of my mouth, I smell you on everything I eat, I cleaned my skin today and three layers down you're still there. I cant do this, this is fucking hard. I feel so fucking dead inside. Shame and guilt and nothingness and coldness and hollowness eats me up inside.

I understand now.

I tried to fix myself today.
I ate lunch. I ate a breadroll with cream cheese. I stayed with people, tried to let it sink in.
I made it through the day, I kept it down. I could feel myself getting fatter, I could feel each molecule of fat dissolving into my body. I was a nervous wreck on the bus and I got to the shops and puked everything up in the bathrooms.
It's easier to just not eat in the first place.

Realization Hits: You Are Alone.

I need you so much right now

I just want to lie here and cry and get it all out but I dont even know what's wrong anymore. I dont know how to cry and  fucking hate myself for everything and these fucking mood swings are a living fucking hell I hate it I hate it I hate it
Im so fucking upset and sad and I need someone to just hold me and tell me it's okay, Im never going to say it but I just want to be okay. I say I dont care but I CARE I FUCKING CARE MY LIFE IS DRAINING AND I CARE
holy shit
I hate myself for what I do
I cant talk
I cant breathe
Im always there
Im never there
I do everything wrong
I need help someone
I'll be okay but I dont know for how long
I need to talk to someone
I cant
I feel so down
I feel so hopeless
I am a mess

Never Good Enough

I just want someone to need me. I want to feel good enough.
I am so sick of feeling empty.
Im so sad. There is this horrible sadness inside me that eats away at ambition and love; its a thick black cloud that chokes your hopes and dreams.
I want to be okay. Im so sick of this Im so fucking sick of being sick. I want to feel 'normal'. Fucking hell, I am so dead inside. I need something to break this. Im breaking Im breaking Im bleeding Im bleeding youre losing me youre losing me im losing myself
What am I supposed to do with my life?!!!

Im confused.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and I have everyone thinking that I do.
Im having a lot of trouble.
Im constantly dissociative, I know the things that need to happen but I can't link them into my life, I cant feel them or any consequences because none of it feels real. And I know everything is real, I tell myself that every day but no matter how hard I try, I just cant believe it.
Fucking hell. Im sick of everything being like this.
Every day I get told "why cant you just pull yourself together and act like a normal person, everybody else can do it, what makes you so special?" Im fucking sorry that Im never good enough. I dont want to be like this; its so fucking hard to be like this every single day.
I cant control myself. Im losing control on everything and my life is spiralling downwards. I can feel everything weighing my down and Im gonna snap or Im gonna drown.

Is there anywhere left for me to turn? Pages and pages of old mistakes from which i’ll never learn. So I say, “hello sorrow, it’s been a while since we last held hands”. I look both ways but i’m too afraid to move forward. Convincing myself that things are okay is harder than it seems, i’m splitting at the seams and i’ve said goodbye to those pleasant dreams. Where do you go when nothing goes your way? All of my roads lead to nowhere, and I don’t want to be nowhere, I don’t want to be nothing. I want to be something, to make a difference in this world of numbers and figures. How far can I run before it catches up to me, that failure to be who I want to be. A cold rope would be warmer than these people ever were.

I don’t think it ever really goes away. Once an addict, always an addict. You see the blade and you need to cut. You smell the smoke and you crave it in your lungs. You see a syringe and you need the freedom in your veins. You never really get better. You just get better at lying; to yourself, to others. Recovery is a lie.

 I dont want to be addicted.

This is a recount of an episode of hallucinating; about a year ago.

 I remember it as if it were yesterday.

I was in the kitchen cooking an egg when Kathryn came into the room. She began talking but as she spoke I could see that she was a cat; not really human at all. A cat with spindly legs and human features and evil in its blood. The cat spoke to me in a devils tounge and I turned away, all the while hearing the wretched voice of the death cat. Then the eggs that I were cooking had been replaced with cats! Tiny pink cats, kittens! I was frying them in the pan and they were burning, burning, I could smell their skin burning and melting and it was sick and evil and what sort of place forces you to eat cats! And mum came into the kitchen and said ‘ that’s enough they’re done now’ and I was spinning because the cats were not meant to be eaten with their eyes still open and mewing at me and mum scraped the cats onto a plate and I was crying, screaming and she was forcing me to eat the cats, the kittens, and all of a million eyes were watching me and cat eyes were watching me and then everyone were cats cats cats cats

I dont sleep anymore. I dont remember the last time I slept. I lie there.
I just lie there.
Comatose, almost. I dont move. I dont speak. I dont think. I just lie there, wasting my life away. Im not asleep because Im watching the seconds tick by. I am acutely aware of every second, every breath of my life disappearing. The nights are so long.

Im itchy im scratching but as soon as i start then another itch will appear and they flit back and forth so quickly that i dont know if i ever got the right spot in the first place im itching and there are things under my skin trying to get out there are bugs tiny parasitic animals in my blood stream i am going to die oh god this is is a slow and painful death itchy itchy itchy itching there is goes again i swear something under the skin just moved scrach it harder oh shit ive scratched off layers of skin fuck now people will know im insane oh god there it goes again itch itch itch itch

I am constantly spun between two worlds; and I am so sick of it.
I am happy and then plunge down into sadness, hopelessness and worthlessness. Then Im happy again.
There are no reasons.
I cant live my whole life like this.
I cant control myself.
Its so difficult to do anything anymore.

I feel so bad about myself.
I can never do anything right; and tonight all of these feelings are drowning me. I am never good enough. I spend all of my time struggling to be good enough but I never am. I am a failure. I am a horrible person.
I hate myself for it.

Don't eat it you cant eat that no no no you ate it you stupid girl do you know how many carbs that is that's fat its all FAT this is why you're fat oh but you have to at least eat this in front of everybody that way they will think you're eating again you don't want people to worry do you no no everything is fine eat it all one bite at a time oh god Ifeel sick fight the urge to throw up in public shit shit I cant do it I cant keep it down "I have to go to the bathroom" run inside throw up cover the sound with running water and again and again wipe your mouth have some gum walk outside everything's fine "do you want something to eat" "I'm full I just ate"
I eat and eat and eat but I purge and purge and purge every day and my teeth are so bad now hey at least I'm getting thinner the numbers are going down but all I see is fat fat thighs fat hands fat arms fat stomach fat fat fat fat that is all I am

My favourite part of the day is after everyone goes to bed. I go outside and smoke and watch the stars. I feel like everything will be okay.

The world is such an ugly place. Everything is so horrible and dark and bleak. There is no future here, or anywhere. There is hate and anger and fear and pain.

I don't know what to think anymore. I want to say something but I can't. I have this need to express something but I don't know what it is I want to express or how I want to express it.

I am so incredibly lost. I feel lost and empty; yet strangely tranquil about it. I feel like I've accepted that I will never be any good at anything.

I want to always be as 'out of it' as possible. I want to be wasted every day and night; I want to physically feel the same way I feel, emotionally. It makes no sense but for some sick reason its better than being a part if this world; this sober world. I want my perception of reality to be as warped as possible. So no, generally, I dont get high and drunk for the 'good feelings' or the 'buzz', I'm just trying to escape this world as much as I can. 

Heart pounding breath catching in your throat your tears running down your cheeks and youre all alone noone would ever want to be with you everything hurts and nothing will ever be okay ever again kill yourself save yourself hang me shoot me strangle me stab me drown me weigh me down with rocks and throw me into the sea choking crying hand down your throat purging you ate too much today you fat bitch throwing up choking cant breathe vomit everwhere purge again and again and again stomach acid good that means all the food is gone never eating again ever ever im such a failure blade in hand cutting deeper its never deep enough i think i hit something important shit i dont care cant breathe cant breathe so dizzy

You Always Want What You Can't Have

happiness.
money.
freedom.
acceptance.
you.

I miss you so much. Every second of every day, I miss you.

I feel that I am missing something. As if I have a gaping black hole inside me that will never be filled; and I feel like the answer is slipping by me over and over again each day but I can't quite see it.

When I'm Blinded I Think I See Everything...

I now know what I want. Or what I think I want.
But choices are never easy.
I've just lost that spark, that feeling that I used to get. Its harder to enjoy now; I'm just stressed all the time.
I love it, in theory - but thats so much more difficult than reality.
What I've come to realise now, is that it is so much harder to admit you no longer enjoy something that you pushed to have and that everybody thinks is your dream, than it is to give up a dream that was forced on you.
Its harder to admit to yourself that you no longer want something; something that you've pushed to have.
You think you know how you will feel.
You think you will feel free. You think that a great weight will be lifted from your shoulders; but you never really know.
I want to let go but I cant. I'm not afraid of letting anyone down, because thats what I'm doing currently - I guess I'm only afraid of letting myself down.
I'm worse at what I do best....

Everyone thinks I've stopped cutting.
I've just gotten better at hiding it. My arms are a fucking mess. I hate myself for it but I don't want to change.
They're getting deeper. I need stitches but I can't get them.
Ive ruined myself. And I'm doing it again, over and over and over.

Kill Mankind

I am a horrible person. Im sick, fat and disgusting. Filth oozes from my mind every breath I take.
The human disease will one day cease to be. The vile creatures that create society will rot in the ground as humanity crumbles, and the skies will turn black and suffocate the masses. Humanity failed, we failed, you failed, I failed. This world will reclaim us and every breath you ever took will mean nothing.

I'm not ready for this.

Everyone thinks I'm eating again but really I'm just purging it all. I can't eat. It's gotten to the point where I'm faking having the flu just so I don't have to eat anything. I'm so dizzy. I'm so tired.
I don't even know anymore.
I dont look any thinner but I'll get there. I'm not eating untill Im thin.

So, I didnt die.
I threw up all the pills (sadly) and walked around in a haze for the next two days. I had no energy, no reasons for anything; the only reason I didnt try to kill myself again was because I literally did not have the energy.
I was shaking and having a total breakdown all day though, and I was terrified to be left alone because I knew I would hang myself.
Then, the other night, I tried LSD for the first time. This was the most mind-opening experience of my entire life (including shrooms) and I literally was filled with this amazing joy and energy, my mind was bubbling over with colour and great ideas. Everything held such potential.

Of course, everything went back to normal.
I still feel cold.

I am serious, Im going to do it. Oh god, I'm going to kill myself. I can't help anyone anymore I don't ever feel happy, I don't matter and I'm so empty. Im shaking, I haven't eaten in days and whatever I do eat I throw up. I'm dying. I'm dying Im dying I'm dying.
I have to stop burdening other people with my problems.
Oh my god I am going to do it. I am going to take all of these pills at once.
I am never going to wake up.
The world is a cold, wretched place.
Live beautiful lives.
I am going to die.

I feel empty that's what I feel. Goddamn empty.

“Are you having suicidal thoughts?”
Yes. I want to kill myself every second of the day. Everything I see becomes something I can kill myself with. I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate who I’ve become. Help me, please. I can’t do this much longer.

“No.”

Wanderlust: a deep desire to travel, and find the very meaning of one's existence.

I have always wanted to run away.
It used to be because I always sought freedom, but now its a mixture of that, and the fact that I feel like I'm suffocating here. If I dont leave, I'll be dead by the end of the year.
I need this.
I need to escape; from everything. It's all to much.
I need to chill. Sleep all day and spend the nights under the stars, getting high when I want to and getting drunk when I want to.
The way I see it, everybody should just do whatever the fuck they want to do in life. If you want to study your ass off and get into a fancy UNI, fine. If you want to bludge everything and spend your life doing whatever the hell you want to do, fine. Because you all get the same ending; you die.

It Never Ends

I used to think I was getting better. Things were looking up, and sure, for a period of time, I think I was getting better. I dont have the time anymore; I dont have the time to help myself. So I sit and decay.
Im so fucking worried. About you, about life, about all my mistakes that are coming back to me now.
And I feel so bad. Guilt eats me up and anxiety makes it worse; its chaos everywhere I look. The hallucinations are getting worse, I cant tell the difference between them and reality anymore; I feel so dead, so numb. I feel so worthless, like nothing I do will ever matter; like nothing I can do now is ever right - every effort I put in is pointless.
Im not getting better. Im sick.
And I cant tell you.
Im worried about you, so much, and I cant add anything to your problems; it will just make things worse.
Im trapped.
I dont know how to let it out, I dont even know how to feel anymore. So I fix myself with the blades; it's a continuous circle.
And Im scared.
Its stupid. I'm stupid. So goddamn stupid.

I have a terrible secret.

Anonymous asked: i want to start cutting. any tips how to?

Tips? Okay, in a moment. First let me tell you a little about this.
The first time you cut? It won’t be that deep. But it will get worse.
You’ll find yourself panicking as someone points out the cuts that you forgot to hide for the first time, and fumble around in your mind trying to come up with a believable excuse.It’ll gradually get deeper. The scratches turn into huge gashes that take weeks at a time to heal. The kind that leave huge thick white scars that never quite fade.
The depression you’re feeling will slowly get worse and worse as you begin to hate yourself for the pain you’re inflicting on yourself. And the more you hate yourself, the more you cut, which makes you hate yourself more. And soon you’re spiraling down deeper and deeper.
Do you like wearing vest tops and shorts? Well forget that, because you’re going to have to hide behind jumpers and jeans in the summer desperately trying to hide your cuts and scars.
Do you like swimming? Because you wont be able to any more because you wont be able to hide your scars when wearing a swimsuit.
Ever had heat stroke? Well be prepared, because wearing long sleeves and jeans in 40c weather will come back to bite you.
Do you like having money to spend on nice things? Well you won’t be able to. Say hello to spending all of your money on band aids, anti-septic wipes, bio oil and razor blades.
Do you like being open to people? Because you won’t be able to. This disease will close you up and make you hide behind a fake smile and pull down your sleeves over the cuts on your arms. You won’t be able to express your emotions. Or let people know how you feel. You’ll keep everything you feel a secret out of fear that you’ll accidentally mention cutting and hell will break loose.
Do you like hugging your friends? Because that will change. Hugging hurts too much because of the cuts littering your body. And you’ll be scared to let anyone hug you in case they feel the bandages, scars and cuts through the fabric of your clothes
And then there’s the first time you cut too deep. When you sit on your bedroom floor with a pile of tissues almost having a panic attack as you desperately try to stop the heavy bleeding. You know you need to get it checked out - but no one knows and so you just sit there and pray to God that you’ll get through it.
say goodbye to ever looking at a razor differently. urges will never stop, just subside. it’s a illness that infestsyour brain and it will never go away, even if you do eventually manage to stop.
still want to cut? well here’s some ‘tips’
Okay here we go:

1. grab the scissors, pins, razor blades etc
2. throw them in the nearest bin
3. phone up someone you trust
4. tell them how you’re feeling and what’s bothering you.

because once you go down that path, it’s going to be ridiculously difficult to leave it. And it’s not worth it.
it will never be worth it.

tuvtuvtuvtuv fuck yersh dandinf like a fuckinf PR%O uou DOWN
CANT BELIEVE IS

sometimes people squa to me the ssay Y U SO CRUNKKKK i say m no no no nooooooooooooo NEEVR GONNA LET YOU doooooooownn
its freT because lifes goos, which good, and thiw makes me happy
goopd think im aucto-logged in on my lapotp o3r id nevevevr be able to sign in at times like thses hahahahahahgda

The Circle Goes On and On...

It hurts. It hurts so much knowing that I killed someone, someone who was a part of me; and even though, at the time, I thought everything would pass by, that life would go on just how it was before, that it would happen once and then never be remembered again, but its not like that.
Things changed, some things were better and some were worse, but it eats me up inside, every single day.
And even though I know that it was the best thing to do, and that there really was no other sensible option, it hurts.
I just need to talk about it, but of course its the only thing I cant talk about; the things that conversations sweep around, occasionally hitting; and I always look at you, trying to read you, trying to figure out if it still hurts you, too. I dont want it to.

Open your eyes. Fate isnt going to help you through. God isnt going to listen for you. Six billion people, what makes you think you're worth it too? Give it all you've got. Your regrets are yours, and yours alone. In the end nobody really cares, nobody remembers... You're too busy to find the time to count it down, every second passed is another second lost. This is your life, and it's ending, one minute at a time.

The Bleeding Never Ends

I broke again. This time I did it too deep, and it was stupid; it always is.
I wore a bandage to soak up the blood and I had to keep changing it because the blood was soaking through.

Return Post

 

Please, do not let your addiction define you, never think that your addiction is what you are. I'm not trying to offend anyone, but I've seen in myself and others that those kind of thoughts are a big mistake. The moment you think your addiction is all there is, the moment you let it define you, you are as far away from being in control as you can be. I've seen this in all kinds of addicts, it does not matter what you're addicted to, the moment you let your addiction become you, the chances of escaping it slims down.

You are not the blade your holding. You're not the needle you're pressing into your hand. You're not the cigarette, you're not the alcohol. You're a wonderful human being, with a little extra luggage. But you are not now, and nor will you ever be, the thing you are addicted to. 

I don't know your stories, I don't know what you've been through, what you're going through on a daily basis. But this I do know; you are all wonderful and beautiful human beings, and if you let yourself, you can become so much more then you are already. This isn't all there ever will be, you are just starting to stretch your feet. There are so much more to this world, and to you, if you only give it the chance. I know its easier for me to say this, then it is for you to actually do it. And I'm not saying you should put the blade down and become happy right away. I'm only saying, I'm only hoping, that you will find the courage to start taking those steps towards recovery. The next time you feel the urge, try putting it off as long as possible. Tell yourself "just wait 15 more minutes." And then after a while those 15 minutes will turn into an hour, a day, a week, a month. Recovery isn't easy, and those who claim it is are either lucky bastards, or they simply don't know what they're talking about.

When you relapse, don't hate yourself for it. Be proud, smile. You did so good, and I'm truly proud of you for making it. Say you made it two weeks, a relapse doesn't mean those two weeks were for nothing, quite the opposite; it means that your growing stronger, your closer to reaching the point were you're in control of the addiction, where you can stop. Being able to stay away from it for just a day is such an accomplishment, and never let anyone tell you otherwise. And never, ever, lose hope. You will manage to get past this, I know you will. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even years from now, but one day, one day you will. I have such a belief in you all, I can't even begin to say that enough. I have such an incredible respect for you. You are so incredibly strong. All those battles you are fighting, I know people that haven't survived. But here you are, still standing. I really do admire you for still being alive, that demands great strength. I can tell that you're an incredible person, and I know you will go to places far beyond your dreams in this life. You will make it, I know you will. 

You all are so beautiful, you all are worth so much more then words can cover. Each and every one of you are special in their own way, and I pray that you will all survive this battle. One day things will get better, and you all deserve to be alive to see that day. The best of luck to all of you.

I thought I saw you today. My heart started to pound, I was speechless for a moment, and you were all that existed. Then you turned around and it wasn't you.
I almost cried.

A Trip Down Photoshopped Memory Lane

I found this hidden in one of my old books. Wierdly enough, it made me happy to see how sad I used to be. How hopeless. It made me happy at how far I've come.



~~~~The girl who seemed unbreakable-broke, The girl who seemed so strong-crumbled, The girl who always laughed it off-cried, The girl who would never stop trying-finally gave up and quit. its not just a quote, its the story of my and so many others's lives. im not fine, i wish someone would notice.

I've made a terrible mistake. I think I've accidently chosen drugs over everything I used to love. And the worste part? I don't know if I can change it.

I am a pessimist pretending to be an optimist. And, everybody says I'm so nice, happy, kind, or sweet. I'm one of the most violent people I know.

In public, a smile is a shield. At home, the walls come down. We think about how we've failed. How pointless our successes are. Wonder whether anyone loves us.

"Und der Haifisch der hat Tränen und die laufen vom Gesicht, doch der Haifisch lebt im Wasser so die tränen sieht man nicht. In der Tiefe ist es einsam Und so manche Zähre fließt, und so kommt es dass das Wasser in den Meeren salzig ist."

~~And the shark has tears running from his face, but she shark lives in the water so the tears can't be seen. In those depths there is loneliness. There are so many flowing tears, so that it happens that the water in the sea is salty.

-Rammstein.

An intro I wrote on guitar. The first bit is okay.

This is what I do in my spare time.. fail playing guitar.

I do

Piercings/ Tattoos

Okay, Ive decided what piercings I'm getting after my birthday this year.
EARS:

• Ears spaced 10mm left, 16mm right, (had 8&6 but shrunk the right back to 0 and the left to 6)
• Antitragus
• Conch
• Rook
• Three regular lobe piercings in the left, and another one below/ above spacer (depends on which has more room haha)
• Two cartilage piercings in right ear
• Two sideburn skindivers (left side)

Also

• Snakebites
• Horizontal eyebrow
• Three in each cheek
• Vertical labret

That should be it(:
Planning on getting sleeves as well, particularily some scarification triangles on my inner elbows, filled with designs.

Good Morning

Life's good. Hey, shit happens but you gotta roll with the punches. Things always work out; you just have to make it through the storm. Dont expect your life to be perfect,, just treasure the perfect parts of it. All the rest eventually fades away.
I'm happy. Life's good. I love it.

30 Day Song Challenge in One Post

This is the 30 day dong challenge, all in one post. Click on the songs to listen.

day 01 - your favorite song

Walk With Me In Hell - Lamb Of God

day 02 - your least favorite song

Friday - Rebecca Black

day 03 - a song that makes you happy

Unspoken - The Ghost Inside

day 04 - a song that makes you sad

Shinto Katana - Sunset

day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
From The Cradle To Enslave - Cradle Of Filth

day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere
Say Goodbye - I Killed The Prom Queen

day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
Black And Blue - Bring Me The Horizon

day 08 - a song that you know all the words to
Descending - Lamb Of God

day 09 - a song that you can dance to
Day In Day Out - Architects (Big Chocolate Remix)

day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep (in a good way)
Hearts Burst Into Fire - Bullet for My Valentine

day 11 - a song from your favorite band
Downfall - Children Of Bodom

day 12 - a song from a band you hate
Knives And Pens - Black Veil Brides

day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
Superfohn Bananendate - We Butter The Bread With Butter

day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
Million Miles Of Water - Red Hot Chilli Peppers

day 15 - a song that describes you

Ashley - Stick To Your Guns

day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
I'm Not Okay (I Promise)  - My Chemical Romance

day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio

dont listen to the radio :P

day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
Raining Blood -Slayer

day 19 - a song from your favorite album
Don't Close our Eyes - Parkway Drive

day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
Wasted - Suicide Silence

day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
You Had Me At Hello - A Day To Remember

day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad
Clouds Over California - Devildriver

day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding

day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral

day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
If You Open Your Mind Too Much, Your Brains Will Fall Out - Tim Minchin

day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
Grey Sublime Archon - Eluveitie

day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
Ocean - John Butler Trio

day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty

Vermillion, pt.2 - Slipknot

day 29 - a song from your childhood
Wild Horses - The Rolling Stones

day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year

Oblivion - Mastodon

#2

A plane, not a big commercial jet, rather a small aircraft crashes. Not because of malfunction or lack of petrol. Im not sure why, but it is not the planes fault. There is less than  10 people inside the plane.

#1

An Asian country, (Im going to assume Japan, because of the recent nuclear problem/ fears) is going to be in trouble with water somehow. Not floods, some sort of contamination or perhaps a lack of water somewhere?
Something about 20. 20 people, or kilograms, or meters, or kilometers? Something is bad about the number 20. Like, something is unsafe.

Confession

To be honest, I used to want to be a screwup. I wanted to be the one that always fucked up, the one who had nothing left. Now I'm trying to dig myself out of this hole that I made for myself, and I hate every second of it.
No, I dont have aspirations to be the most fucking perfect person ever. Not even close. But I just want things to be okay. I hate myself for it; I put myself here because I liked the cheap reality breaks and easy thrills, the all night parties - the nights that I hardly remember. But now all I want is for things to get better. And they are, slowly, but it hurts because Im trying so hard, so fucking hard, just to make things work and everyone says Im not trying.
But it's my fucking fault that I'm here in the first place.
What a fucking joke.

Im Ruining My Life, One Day At A Time

And I don't know how to stop.

Heres To The Future

Okay. For the next week, every day, I am going to tell you important things that will happen in the world, but have not yet happened.
At the end of each post you will see the date, as proof.
Welcome to the future.

"That’s It
I am over it.
I can’t spend my life trying to please everyone.
If you have a problem with me then tell me soon coz I’m not gonna be round much longer.
If you really love me then you will let me do what I have to do.
It’s over.
It’s time for my final fucking curtain call."

I worry about you. When I read that my heart started pounding and I got the shakes. I know it seems stupid, but I know that if you got in in your mind to give up, you would. I've already lost so many people I care about; I cant lose another.
 It's so hard to just let go completely; cause I still care about you and what happens to you. I dont want anything bad to happen to you.

Sonnet of the Wretched - Chelsea Grin

This is the sonnet of the wretched,
Can you hear their screams?
Your prayers won't be heard,
They will rise.

When daylight dies they come and bring an abrupt end to your sinful life.
There's nothing you can do to stop them now,
It's too late.
Just run and hide and hope they will never find you until it's over and they're gone.

You think this is Hell?
You don't know the half of it.
There's nothing sacred here,
Everything you once loved has been defiled.

There's only pain, and sorrow.
They bring the end.
And there's nothing that can save you from this cruel fate.
But it's your fault, it is you that brought them.

And smelt the stench of your abject existence.
They've come to cleanse your soul of its affliction.
You can't repent because it's far too late.
Just wait until they have you in their grasp.

Now you will feel what it's like to be in hell.
And your only company will be the horde.
This is now the end your soul is cleansed your mouth is stitched your eyes are blind.
And your blackened heart ceases to beat anymore.

Now they have gone. Desappeared without a trace.
this is the sonnet of the wretched.
Did you hear their screams?
Your prayers were not heard.
They have cleansed all sin and evil.

Lay to rest.

Everything you have in this life, you can lose.

I still miss you. It's stupid. So horribly stupid. I would give anything and everything just to see you again. I know that it's my fault, but all I want is for someone to tell me that it's not. I can't live with the guilt of it. I just feel so horribly sick.

Im so lost. I cant even get up in the morning. Why do I even bother?
Its like everything I do is pointless, like I'm just a waste of space.
And I get that horrible ache inside that nothing will ever fill; and Im so afraid that it will never end.

I'm Worst At What I Do Best

Sometimes I think I've actually accomplished something. Like I've proved myself or something. Then I turn around and realise that everything I do is worse than everyone else.

Welcome To The Family

Lights on, lights off, it's happening again. Hit me harder, black and blue, I won't ever break for you. I'll take all your shit cause it's my fault you hate me in the first place. God, from the outside noone would ever know anything was wrong. I deal with your shit with all of the shots I drown myself in. And when morning comes we all pretend to be perfect again.

Im scared of the mark I'm going to leave here. I always thought unwanted to leave a mark on the world in some way, but this is so goddamn wrong. You don't want to be like me. It always looks glamorous but it never is. I'm a fucking wreck. And you want to be me?
I don't want anyone to ever want to be me. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I cant even believe it.
I promised myself that I could give it up. I guess thats what i told myself everyday, the 'I can stop whenever I want' speech.
It scares me that I couldn't.
Its stupid, so stupid, that even though I try so hard to be the sort of person that is strong enough to get over things, to fix things, that I cant even hold off the urge to drink.
The last person I wanted to let see me so helpless was, of course, the person who ended up looking after me. I never wanted anyone to see me so weak.
I was on the verge of passing out on a fucking porch. And I don't even remember it. I'll stay sober from now on; but then again, isn't that what I tell myself every time?

Im so fucking scared. I want to cry and I beat myself up about it; I want everything to be okay. I got everything I wanted, but in the worst possible way. And oh my god, all of this is my fault.
Why can I never fix it? I can never fix things, why cant I FUCKING FIX THINGS?! I can never even fis them, never fix myself, am i even really broken? i gotta get off these pills... i gotta get off these pills... i cant live when im not alive, of course im alive, why cant i feel my feet?