tonight is a night of missing things. 

i miss traveling so much.

it’s so hard to explain..

this is how i explained it to a friend.

“theirs nothing like it. i’m not even sure how to explain it.

hitch hiking, train hopping, whatever you’re doing. 

broke, hungry, tired, nothing but whatevers in your pack.

it’s freeing, humbling, incredible, awful..

every emotion mixed up and unrecognizable.

it’s the hardest thing in the world to do,

but once you learn how it’s the easiest thing you’ll ever do.

you just…. go. and once you start you take a big breath

and everything goes away. it’s amazing.”

i miss it so much.

i miss not knowing were i’m headed.

i miss not caring.

i miss sleeping on the side of the road and under over passes.

i miss busking on the side of a street corner.

i miss meeting people and exchanging stories.

i miss trading cigarettes for food and floss.

i miss sitting in another state in a city i don’t know the name of and watching the sunrise waiting for my next ride.

i miss setting camp up and being warm in a sleeping bag patching a hole or sewing a tear in my jeans.

i miss taking my boots off before falling asleep and stuffing all my important things inside of them.

i miss digging through dumpsters and getting stoked about a pizza that’s still warm or a box of chips or a crate of fruit that’s still good.

i miss sitting with the homeless and rolling cigarettes in a park in the morning at a breakfast line and talking about were we came from and were we’re headed.

i miss it all.

the really good runs where you get hours from where you started  

and the endless tiring sleepless nights with no food and getting run out of truck stops.

I wish I knew how to say all of these things inside of me
all of these feelings,
but I never get the timing right.
I want to tell you everything
and at the same time say nothing at all, just lie there
I feel so safe with you
and I feel so empty when I am alone

I physically am in too much pain to sleep tonight, I am disgusted with myself, my flesh is a mess and with every movement I make tears in my skin.
I don't want to be alone tonight, but I don't want anyone to see me.
I am so fat, I am so sick of my fat fucking self, I loathe myself so much I can't even describe it. I cry when I see myself in a mirror unless I've hidden all the fat with layers of clothes.
I am so disgusted with myself for eating, I am so sick of myself, I am disgusting.
Help, please. I am so upset, I feel like crying until my lungs burst.
Everything about me is awful,  I look like I should weigh 200kgs, I am a fucking whale, everyone is lying to me to make sure that they stay thinner than me. I am so SAD AND FAT AND AWFUL
Why would someone as good as you ever want someone like me

See I've got all these words and feelings and things to say but I can't phrase them so they spill out in giggles and smiles and little things and I'm really happy

You make me want to live again.
Which I didn't think I'd ever say about anyone or anything ever.
And even though I just lost someone very close to me, whenever I'm with you I'm happy.
I've stopped hurting myself for now. I ate dinner the other night and I had lunch today.
I'm really happy with you
really really  happy.

A close friend of mine killed himself early this morning. It hurts so much.
Everyone keeps saying they wish they'd seen the signs and they wish he had said something but I KNEW, and I thought everyone else did too. I should have done more, I could have done more and I miss you already. You were such a great guy.
I should have stayed up later each night to talk to him, and last night, or ALL the nights I choose to go to bed before 5am, he sends me his suicide note when I am asleep. If I replied earlier, if I had called, or something, anything...

Let things happen. Let events blossom and unfold and wash over you; do not let them drown you and do not let them pull you under. You are solid, resilient. And this, too, shall pass.

I ate dinner again and it was thick, poisonous hatred and disgust that filled me; crushing my head and throwing me into a wall again and again. I had to get it out, and the feeling as if I had just injected hopelessness into my veins. I'm fucking falling apart, cowering on the floor of the bathroom next to the toilet; and it's not glamorous. It's not 'cool'. It's not fucking fun or pretty and everyday is so hard, every tiny fucking piece of food is an enemy. Every fucking glass of juice makes me sick. Even if I can emotionally manage to eat then my body is like, "fuck no what is this we have to make her sick cramps cramps cramps nausea vomit." This is what I mean when I say I cant eat. I physically cannot. I can have grapes, apples, lettuce and tea. Everything else just makes me sick... I am sick.
I am so scared that this will never get better. And I'm scared that I will always live like this; hunched over toilets or drains or bins or bushes; and I am terrified that I will never have anything to show for it. That I will always be this fat. That I will never be pretty, never be in control, never be happy.

Im cold, Im lonely and I'm a bit scared of all the noises and stuff I keep hearing in the dark.
But I've got happiness running through my head since last night, and it's been the first time in a long while that I feel like things are okay. I miss you, and I want to be with you, and right now you make me happier than I've been in a long time.

I HATE YOU
I FUCKING LOATHE YOU
You don't KNOW what it's like
You dont KNOW how it feels
How it hurts
and burns
and eats away at you constantly every fucking day
YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT
EVERYTHING IS NOT ABOUT YOU
You fucking liar; you dirty fucking liar
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
Im sorry
You have to stop
Stop the fucking lies
You're lying to everyone and youre lying to YOURSELF.
do you even know the truth anymore???