It's this time of year that gets me down. Think of all the promises that I made to myself that I could never keep. A year or binging and purging and starving and crying over food and at the end of it all I've lost is 10kg and my sanity. A year of destroying myself with needles and razors, half of it hazy and all those days that I don't even remember. A year of loving and losing and watching people walk out of my life forever. I just think of all the things I've done wrong and hope that right now I'm doing something right. I really have noone left, and I don't want to be alone anymore.
I'm sorry that I'm never good enough.

Next year I will be 42kgs. I will be pretty, I will be thin, and I will try to keep people in my life. 

I am trying, trying, trying
and failing
always failing
I have something to live for now
I just want you to see it too

A fireball of self-destruction. A whirlwind of apathy and alchohol. A cyclone of needles and syringes and lighters and small plastic bags filled with happiness and something to fill the empty space in me, a hopeless, self-destructive wreck.

Coffee and cigarettes are best when shared with you.

I just can't shake this feeling, this yearning to feel hungry, that pain in your stomach, the cramps, the headaches and the tiredness... the blackouts when you stand up or when you walk too long. I want to feel empty, hollow, light... I am yearning, reaching, striving towards perfection. I want my ribs to show, I want my pants to pull across my hipbones leaving a gap over my stomach, I want my collarbones to cast shadows on my chest bones, I want to be able to trace the outline of my skeleton -my skin stretched tight over my bones. Pure, happy, free...
I won't eat untill I reach perfection; I can't eat or I won't reach perfection. I want to look in the mirror and not cry. I want to be the thinnest, I want to be happy, I want to like myself. I want people to describe me as the thin one; I need this. Coffee and smokes, and cold diet cokes... that's what pretty girls are made of.

I had such a nice day,
it really felt like it would work out
and things would be good
like they are now

I wish someone cared enough to say sweet things to me, to stay up late to talk to me and called me whenever something seemed wrong. I feel like everyone's worrying about everybody else and nobody cares enough to make sure im okay; and it hurts, to be reassured that you are worth nothing to everyone. I'm not worth the time, not worth the effort, not worth smiles or words or breath. I get it.

I feel very empty and boring and uninspired and useless. So I wont eat for a week and then I will be wanted and exciting and inspired and happy.

I need everyone to stop leaving me, I just want a hug or someone to tell me that I will be okay...  I'm scared. I'm really alone, and nobody cares. So she sits as the tears run down her face and she can't breathe through the pain so she brings the pain to the surface of her skin and she cuts out everything that she did wrong.

Rocking back and forth, my knees pulled to my chest and I’m gasping in air as nI shake and smash my head against the wall, fuck fuck fuck heart pounding freezing but sweating crying gasping dying cutting bleeding panic attack, fuck fuck fuck what am i going to do i am so fucking stupid this is never going to end well i should just kill myself i love you and im a wreck and i dont like who i am meant to love and im not even okay tonight nim shaking and crying and i want you to hold me cause everrything feels better that way. who am i kidding, going to the police will do nothing the video will get around everyone will see how disgusting and what a whore i am and everyone will hate me and nobody likes me anyway i am sick of being afraid of you i need to fix this. you ruined my life, you ruined me,l you stole something from me that i feel i will never replace, i feel as if i have this gaping hole inside me where you violated and stole parts of me
i am so sick, scared, upset, i am not okay, cuttin cutting, cutting… three days till christmas and i want to kill myself i hate feeling this way

...
you.

Im not really too good with words anymore. Wish I was; I just can't say things the way I used to be able to do. I want to be able to say something warm and safe and happy and solid, because that's how I feel.

It's like the ice that used to be inside me is melting. I'm feeling stuff again... and I'm feeling real again. There's all these songs that bring out memories and good feelings; I think I remember what it's like to be happy. I sing to myself sometimes, and I don't cry whenever I look in the mirror. I don't hate myself so much anymore... and everyday isn't a struggle.

But nothing feels like home like you...

Im sorry that I'll never be good enough. Im sorry that there will always be someone thinner, prettier, nicer... always someone better. I mean look at me, I'm a wreck. I'm covered in scars and who would ever want that?
I feel like tearing myself apart. Im dying. Im wasting my life, Im wasting it bleeding and crying and screaming. This isn't living; I'm only longing for the things I can never have.
Im confused. Im a stupid, useless, fat whore and nobody really cares about me. Fuck, I dont blame them. I hate myself too.

What do I do?

I am tearing things apart and I am hurting people, I want something that I can never have and it's killing me. Im trapped, I can't leave... What do I do; trying to keep up with all the promises I've made but also trying to be okay
What am I saying
I want you but its hard
And I'm stuck.

And the whole time I wanted you and you couldn't see it; and I couldn't say it
dont go

FUCK
Im losing it, I'm slowly losing everything and everyone.
There's nothing there for me anymore, and I don't know how to end it. I don't want this.
I dont know what Im saying
I think I'm just going to drown in my own blood
Its worth it, and I dont know what to do
I tried and tried, but no matter what I do I'm always wrong, always letting someone down.
I need you, Im trying, Im trying but I dont know what to do
I don't have all the answers
But Im trying
And Im sorry

Holy fuck thats a good one, as wide as my pinky finger, oh the crimson fear that spills out, andd the numbing feeling through my fingers, fuckkkk it feels good to cut deep again. Splitters, dreaming in crimson.

...and it hurts.

I'm in love with bad timing.... I'm in love and I'm sorry.

I still haven't eaten since Tuesday. I've been drinking a lot of tea, and really not doing anything except drawing/ painting/ sleeping. But these last 5 days, I haven't felt exhausted, dizzy, sick, or even hungry. I'm now sitting on or just below the 50 kgs mark, with my BMI being 18.8 !!!!!!!! not only am i now officially underweight, but this is the weigh you have to be to be admitted into a treatment clinic for eating disorders (meaning i must be thin!)
but you know what would be nice? If i could see the fucking difference, all I see is fat although the scales tell me otherwise.... all I see is fat that shouldnt be there.

She stands in the rain, the whispers of the wind gently pressing the water against her as she spins slowly with her arms oustretched. The water has stopped the watch on her wrist from ticking, and she let her hair tangle down her back. Maybe, this is what she has been waiting for.

And maybe you feel like home...

I feel terrible. I realise that alot of the time I spiral downwards it is triggered by something you've posted, something you've said to someone, or something you've done. I know you don't mean to, I know you love me; and fuck, I love you too, but this is killing me. I think I need a break, or an escape or something. I hate feeling like this; guilty and upset, but thats what it's like. New York, I love you but you're bringing me down.

Im angry at you, which I have never ever been before. Either you're lying to me or you're lying to everyone else, and Im almost 99% sure you're lying to everyone else. You did not 'smoke alot of pot', you drunk every now and then but you were not a fucking 'alchoholic'; and if you're going to talk to someone about me at least tell them the truth, do not try and make me sound innocent and weak. And you never, ever, taught me how to scream. I taught myself with 4 lines of tips from an old friend, I never even used youtube. So no, you did NOT teach me. All of your problems, yes they suck, but a lot of other people have those same problems and you shouldn't be bragging about your exaggerated problems. It's like you're trying to make yourself sound 'cooler', or 'tougher', or something. "Oooh I'm moving out cause of my major depression etc etc...." You've changed so much and I dont even think you can see it; and as much as it hurts me to say it, you're not the same person I fell in love with.

I am going to have the BEST night.I've got new blades, new bandages and everything is cleaned and shiny and magical. I am so excited, I have waited so long. It's been so long, it's time for a reunion; I am so thrilled to finally be dipping back into something that kept me company for so long. More healing, taking care of myself, and the scars... from red to purple and then softly fading to a lovely white, pushing up past my skin, remnants of the pain that tore into my skin. Yes. Tonight is something to look forward to.

I haven't eaten since Tuesday night (it's saturday afternoon now). Actually, I had a spoonful of yoghurt yesterday. My hipbones are getting nicer, and I think subliminally I'm doing this so I won't lose you.

I have been waiting to get past 'formal' and then that struggle would be over, I am going to push the blade in and watch all the pain leave my body, but Im sick atm and sort of feel like Im floating cause I got coedine and I had a bong with it on top, not nsure you ncould call nthat a snow cone haha, but when i am better i am going to cut and cut and cut and ccut
and then i will b happy
even though im pretty happy at the moment
A lot more happy than I have been in a long time - even if I have a nlot on my mind and some big decisions to make.

I feel kinda bad, because I should. But Im happy with myself (for now) (mind you I don't remember the last time I ever felt happy with myself) and Im feeling.. happy? Im not sure what it feels like anymore. But I think so.
I don't want anything bad to come of this; because it was good.
I don't know.Ignore me.