Wanderlust: a deep desire to travel, and find the very meaning of one's existence.

I have always wanted to run away.
It used to be because I always sought freedom, but now its a mixture of that, and the fact that I feel like I'm suffocating here. If I dont leave, I'll be dead by the end of the year.
I need this.
I need to escape; from everything. It's all to much.
I need to chill. Sleep all day and spend the nights under the stars, getting high when I want to and getting drunk when I want to.
The way I see it, everybody should just do whatever the fuck they want to do in life. If you want to study your ass off and get into a fancy UNI, fine. If you want to bludge everything and spend your life doing whatever the hell you want to do, fine. Because you all get the same ending; you die.

It Never Ends

I used to think I was getting better. Things were looking up, and sure, for a period of time, I think I was getting better. I dont have the time anymore; I dont have the time to help myself. So I sit and decay.
Im so fucking worried. About you, about life, about all my mistakes that are coming back to me now.
And I feel so bad. Guilt eats me up and anxiety makes it worse; its chaos everywhere I look. The hallucinations are getting worse, I cant tell the difference between them and reality anymore; I feel so dead, so numb. I feel so worthless, like nothing I do will ever matter; like nothing I can do now is ever right - every effort I put in is pointless.
Im not getting better. Im sick.
And I cant tell you.
Im worried about you, so much, and I cant add anything to your problems; it will just make things worse.
Im trapped.
I dont know how to let it out, I dont even know how to feel anymore. So I fix myself with the blades; it's a continuous circle.
And Im scared.
Its stupid. I'm stupid. So goddamn stupid.