Tonight was great.
Despite a binging/purging episode at school (couldn't help the temptation - too many fucking cupcakes) and three previous days of not eating, I managed to eat an entire McDonalds McChicken burger AND keep it down. Im so proud of myself. It may not seem big, but this is a lot.
Tonight was great.

I am all sorts of the emotions all sorts of the time. I am all of them and none of them. I am one and I am nothing. I am everything and I am a number. I am a number and I am a speck. I am nothing and in that I am everything.
Im not going to post this.

I drink the coffee to get the taste of you out of my mouth, I smell you on everything I eat, I cleaned my skin today and three layers down you're still there. I cant do this, this is fucking hard. I feel so fucking dead inside. Shame and guilt and nothingness and coldness and hollowness eats me up inside.

I understand now.

I tried to fix myself today.
I ate lunch. I ate a breadroll with cream cheese. I stayed with people, tried to let it sink in.
I made it through the day, I kept it down. I could feel myself getting fatter, I could feel each molecule of fat dissolving into my body. I was a nervous wreck on the bus and I got to the shops and puked everything up in the bathrooms.
It's easier to just not eat in the first place.

Realization Hits: You Are Alone.

I need you so much right now

I just want to lie here and cry and get it all out but I dont even know what's wrong anymore. I dont know how to cry and  fucking hate myself for everything and these fucking mood swings are a living fucking hell I hate it I hate it I hate it
Im so fucking upset and sad and I need someone to just hold me and tell me it's okay, Im never going to say it but I just want to be okay. I say I dont care but I CARE I FUCKING CARE MY LIFE IS DRAINING AND I CARE
holy shit
I hate myself for what I do
I cant talk
I cant breathe
Im always there
Im never there
I do everything wrong
I need help someone
I'll be okay but I dont know for how long
I need to talk to someone
I cant
I feel so down
I feel so hopeless
I am a mess

Never Good Enough

I just want someone to need me. I want to feel good enough.
I am so sick of feeling empty.
Im so sad. There is this horrible sadness inside me that eats away at ambition and love; its a thick black cloud that chokes your hopes and dreams.
I want to be okay. Im so sick of this Im so fucking sick of being sick. I want to feel 'normal'. Fucking hell, I am so dead inside. I need something to break this. Im breaking Im breaking Im bleeding Im bleeding youre losing me youre losing me im losing myself
What am I supposed to do with my life?!!!

Im confused.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and I have everyone thinking that I do.
Im having a lot of trouble.
Im constantly dissociative, I know the things that need to happen but I can't link them into my life, I cant feel them or any consequences because none of it feels real. And I know everything is real, I tell myself that every day but no matter how hard I try, I just cant believe it.
Fucking hell. Im sick of everything being like this.
Every day I get told "why cant you just pull yourself together and act like a normal person, everybody else can do it, what makes you so special?" Im fucking sorry that Im never good enough. I dont want to be like this; its so fucking hard to be like this every single day.
I cant control myself. Im losing control on everything and my life is spiralling downwards. I can feel everything weighing my down and Im gonna snap or Im gonna drown.

Is there anywhere left for me to turn? Pages and pages of old mistakes from which i’ll never learn. So I say, “hello sorrow, it’s been a while since we last held hands”. I look both ways but i’m too afraid to move forward. Convincing myself that things are okay is harder than it seems, i’m splitting at the seams and i’ve said goodbye to those pleasant dreams. Where do you go when nothing goes your way? All of my roads lead to nowhere, and I don’t want to be nowhere, I don’t want to be nothing. I want to be something, to make a difference in this world of numbers and figures. How far can I run before it catches up to me, that failure to be who I want to be. A cold rope would be warmer than these people ever were.

I don’t think it ever really goes away. Once an addict, always an addict. You see the blade and you need to cut. You smell the smoke and you crave it in your lungs. You see a syringe and you need the freedom in your veins. You never really get better. You just get better at lying; to yourself, to others. Recovery is a lie.

 I dont want to be addicted.

This is a recount of an episode of hallucinating; about a year ago.

 I remember it as if it were yesterday.

I was in the kitchen cooking an egg when Kathryn came into the room. She began talking but as she spoke I could see that she was a cat; not really human at all. A cat with spindly legs and human features and evil in its blood. The cat spoke to me in a devils tounge and I turned away, all the while hearing the wretched voice of the death cat. Then the eggs that I were cooking had been replaced with cats! Tiny pink cats, kittens! I was frying them in the pan and they were burning, burning, I could smell their skin burning and melting and it was sick and evil and what sort of place forces you to eat cats! And mum came into the kitchen and said ‘ that’s enough they’re done now’ and I was spinning because the cats were not meant to be eaten with their eyes still open and mewing at me and mum scraped the cats onto a plate and I was crying, screaming and she was forcing me to eat the cats, the kittens, and all of a million eyes were watching me and cat eyes were watching me and then everyone were cats cats cats cats

I dont sleep anymore. I dont remember the last time I slept. I lie there.
I just lie there.
Comatose, almost. I dont move. I dont speak. I dont think. I just lie there, wasting my life away. Im not asleep because Im watching the seconds tick by. I am acutely aware of every second, every breath of my life disappearing. The nights are so long.

Im itchy im scratching but as soon as i start then another itch will appear and they flit back and forth so quickly that i dont know if i ever got the right spot in the first place im itching and there are things under my skin trying to get out there are bugs tiny parasitic animals in my blood stream i am going to die oh god this is is a slow and painful death itchy itchy itchy itching there is goes again i swear something under the skin just moved scrach it harder oh shit ive scratched off layers of skin fuck now people will know im insane oh god there it goes again itch itch itch itch

I am constantly spun between two worlds; and I am so sick of it.
I am happy and then plunge down into sadness, hopelessness and worthlessness. Then Im happy again.
There are no reasons.
I cant live my whole life like this.
I cant control myself.
Its so difficult to do anything anymore.

I feel so bad about myself.
I can never do anything right; and tonight all of these feelings are drowning me. I am never good enough. I spend all of my time struggling to be good enough but I never am. I am a failure. I am a horrible person.
I hate myself for it.

Don't eat it you cant eat that no no no you ate it you stupid girl do you know how many carbs that is that's fat its all FAT this is why you're fat oh but you have to at least eat this in front of everybody that way they will think you're eating again you don't want people to worry do you no no everything is fine eat it all one bite at a time oh god Ifeel sick fight the urge to throw up in public shit shit I cant do it I cant keep it down "I have to go to the bathroom" run inside throw up cover the sound with running water and again and again wipe your mouth have some gum walk outside everything's fine "do you want something to eat" "I'm full I just ate"
I eat and eat and eat but I purge and purge and purge every day and my teeth are so bad now hey at least I'm getting thinner the numbers are going down but all I see is fat fat thighs fat hands fat arms fat stomach fat fat fat fat that is all I am

My favourite part of the day is after everyone goes to bed. I go outside and smoke and watch the stars. I feel like everything will be okay.

The world is such an ugly place. Everything is so horrible and dark and bleak. There is no future here, or anywhere. There is hate and anger and fear and pain.

I don't know what to think anymore. I want to say something but I can't. I have this need to express something but I don't know what it is I want to express or how I want to express it.

I am so incredibly lost. I feel lost and empty; yet strangely tranquil about it. I feel like I've accepted that I will never be any good at anything.