All That Is Living Has A Home, Though Mine Is With The Dead.

I remember the days when I believed in nothing. I'm not talking about a higher or lower power; not an existance of 'god'. I didn't believe in anything. No actions, consequences, or people mattered because I was afraid to find out everyone was just a figment of my imagination. It's stupid, but I still fight not to think that now. Do I exist? Do these words exist; do they mean anything? I begin to think that maybe it doesnt even matter to write this, because it's all in my mind; I think that I'm living in a parrallel world in my mind, completely oblivious to everything that happens in the 'real world'. I'm probably tapping on a bunch of rocks or something, not typing. Maybe by writing this down, someone can wake me up.
What the fuck.

I scream at myself, at everything that's my fault, and everyone that I pushed away. I want so much to fix everything for everyone else, I can't stand seeing everything fall apart and watching people failing to catch it. I blame myself for everything that goes wrong, my fault or not.
I dont know what I'm doing. I just dont know.

You're never alone. You're never alone. You're never alone.

To be honest, I literally ache inside. I feel like running away and never coming back. I have never felt so temporary before. I never thought I would end up so ruined. Inherite my shoes, they were too hard to fill anyway. I tear myself to shreds to prove that I'm still in one piece... god, I never thought I'd miss you this much. I hate myself for it, and I try to find the exact point where you still reside, but there's nothing and you're still everywhere... and I want to cut out every part of myself that reminds me of you.
Fuck it. When it comes to the end does it really matter? Forget it and move on. One line a story to crush your bones. Art becomes the imitated, murder becomes the intimate.

Ruination

I ruin myself and I ruin my family and I ruin everyone around me, and I ruin every thought that has ever entered my head. I spin it around, inject it with hate, and I ruin this lie of a life that I live.

I wish you had some other way to escape everything.I hope you found the happiness you never could in this life. I dont care if I'm sad for the rest of my life, however short that may be, but I hope and wish with all my heart that I could change something so that you never were. Sometimes I'll be looking at the ground and think of you, and how you used to smile, how you always wanted us all to be happy no matter what. You always put others first. And I'm so scared because I never saw how hurt you were.
And there are weeks where all I think about is how you killed yourself and how I should too. And I want to see you and noone else, I'd give everything to see you for a moment. I'd give my life to see you smile.
It always feels empty. Cold and bleak and dead and pointless without you. I'd like to think you're with me but I know you're not. You're never coming back. I hear the doorbell and every time, for a fleeting moment, I think it's you. And then it hits me, and to be honest I literally ache inside.

Sinking, Always Sinking.

This has got to be the worst day. You're dead and I dont know if I can live with it for another year. I fucking miss you so much more than I ever could imagine.
What were you thinking? Your last thoughts. Oh god, I'm so helpless without you. I could scream it at the top of my lungs, I can't believe this, I'm so numb, I've never felt so dead as I do now. I just watch the world go by and it's so fucking hard.

You say you want to help. How can you?! I don't even understand this, so how can you?! You're not here anymore. You're dead.
Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm dying on the inside. Like it's all crumbling inwards and it's going to crush me.

I Just Want To Go Home

This ruin is not real. This falling shadow is your security. This reality is a guise. These lights will never show the truth. This false pretence only lends a hand to your self-destruction. And these shadows forgive your misconception. But focusing on the truth in a world of lies is impossible. Sometimes the truth only shows the hate, and darkness hides all hope.

Its so easy how everything you know falls  apart and youre thrown into a void. Lifeless. Holding onto your last shreds of hope as you go over the edge and the sea washes you away. Burnt in a fierce desire to be something more. To strive above the lines you were made to fit between. Breaking the chains. Running from safety, the ability to displace meaning for thrills, and the cheap reality breaks. Sudden stops and starts. Never planned. Falling towards an unknown hell, wiling to exchange it for a known one. Wake up.

Wake Up, Wake Up, Wake Up

I took a fucking step back. Looked at myself and realised that I hated what I became to escape what I hated being. Its a perpetual circle, it never ends. You learn to deal with it because you've learnt nothing else.
I tore myself to shreds to prove that I was someone that I could never be.
And I feel so empty.